I twiddle my fingers and wonder why I have these ridiculous fake nails on when in reality, I just want to bite them off. I look in the mirror and question why I felt the need to put on mascara before I headed to the gym. I glance around my room and find I have an abundance glamorous jewelry which truthfully, I never even wanted. Yet here I am, all decked out and all because these are the things that make me think I can be wanted. Adored. Interesting. Attractive. Girly. For what reason? Because I am the girl who's always trying to be enough for everyone else rather than being enough for myself. The worst part is, sometimes it works.
I'm the girl who will panic the second someone changes their tone when talking to me because I can feel the disappointment. I'm the girl who fears losing control because if I do, people will see my weaknesses. I'm the girl who gives the biggest smile on the days I feel like I'm drowning because God forbid someone asks if I'm okay, I'll lose it.
Realistically, I've spent my life always trying to make the "right" choices. The right choices for who? Looking back, they weren't for me because that wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I pictured. I spent so much time trying to perfect who I am to the standards of those surrounding me because I though if I could amount to something in their lives, they would want me around. Let me tell you, I was dead wrong.
I've been spending my time trying to be perfect for those who don't value me. I'm trying to make people miss me who make the choice to walk away rather than accepting, appreciating and adoring those who do love me, want me and miss me when I'm gone. Just an FYI, the ones I was trying to convince to miss me didn't even look in their rear view.
I know it's hard to understand. I know it probably sounds dramatic. I know it seems unrealistic. This is why I refuse to keep writing my book trying to be enough for everyone else. Part 1 of this novel taught me that self worth is more important than anyone else's view of you. Part two, expect a boss ass bitch to be coming your way. I will find self worth, I will find self love, and I will find my place in this universe.
P.S. sorry to the next one who tries to love me, I won't be changing for you.
