You know that girl you always see that you just become instantly envious of? Maybe it’s because her hair is easy to manage and effortlessly beautiful. Or, maybe it’s because her body is toned just right and everything she wears looks great on her. You know what girl I am talking about? Well I do, because I have let her ruin my life.

I have always struggled with being insecure, and while I was in high school I suffered from bulimia and self-harm for years. I thought beauty was entirely dependent on my weight and as a result, there has been some remaining damage that I now, as a 23-year-old, have to live with. So what does life look like for someone who is incessantly trying to be like the girl you always see?

Restrictions. I am constantly restricting myself. I don’t eat sweets, diet soda, fast food, or fried food. Once, I had gone three months without any sweets, and I gave in and ate a cookie. One cookie. I was immediately filled with so much shame, anger and regret, that I went home and cried. I felt so bad that I don’t think I’ll ever eat a sweet treat again.

Aside from cutting out almost anything of pleasure food wise, I work out excessively. Now, I only work out five days a week, Monday through Friday, but in those days, I work out eight times. I do two workouts on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and one on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I try to take the weekend to relax, because I am usually pretty tired by the time my week is done. But even though I know I need those days to rest, it doesn’t change the voice in my head telling me that I am failing and that I should be trying harder.

At this point, I don’t even recognize the good aspects of me anymore, because I keep telling myself that those aren’t enough. I’m constantly looking in the mirror completely unhappy with who is looking back. I’ve honestly stopped loving who I am just as a person, because to me who I am as a person doesn’t matter if I don’t have a nice body to go with it. This is what my journey to weight loss has done to me. And it’s sad. I realized this the other night, when I went out with some girlfriends of mine. One of my friends is this beautiful tiny little blonde who gets hit on all the time while I stand there being the cool friend who totally isn’t affected by the fact that every guy that approaches us is actually just approaching her. And if an attractive man does approach me, it’s honestly just to ask me about her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my friend, and I want nothing but happiness for her but, when I sit there, carrying on a really good conversation, laughing, smiling and thinking, ‘Wow, this guy is really cool,” and then he says, “Hey, so is your friend single?” it gets a little more soul crushing every time. I can only be overlooked so many times before I really start feeling obsolete.

Granted, it is not these men’s fault, and perhaps it has nothing to do with my weight. Maybe I am just a brunette when they would prefer a blonde, but, since I have come to acknowledge the negative and hateful thoughts I inflict on myself every day, I have started trying to be more conscious of being nice to myself. I’ve learned that these feelings or lack thereof of self-worth are probably something laying deeper than just the extra pounds on my stomach. I’ve decided to get help, and I’ve recently begun to turn to my friends for support so that I don’t feel so alone on this journey. And by reaching out, I have started to realize something incredibly important. I am worthy. It doesn’t matter if I am overweight, I am worthy of love and happiness. I am worthy, and I am not alone.

So, to all the women out there struggling with their own personal battles of trying to obtain a beauty that they feel is out of reach, try to remember that you come first. A healthy life, a healthy body, all starts with a healthy mind. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Don’t lose what is on the inside for the outside. It’s one thing when you’re unhappy about your body and try to make changes to remedy that, but it’s another to fall out of love with who you are. Hold on to those good aspects, that make you, you. And love those. Don’t let them go. Ever.