Life is hard.
“What a waste of space.” Some say.
“What an insecure, overly-sensitive, needy brat.” Others say.
“She’s a weird person. Let’s avoid her.” The whispers say.
“I hope she leaves.” The voices say.
“Shun her. She can’t be accepted.” The group says.
Overall, worthless. But can you blame me?
Yes, you can. You know why? Because no one says these things.
Never have these words been heard aloud.
The problem? They are heard internally.
“Depression isn’t a thing you can be susceptible to.”
“You are causing your friends harm no matter what you do.”
“You owe them. You better be on your best behavior.”
“Put on your mask and wear it well.”
The voices are not external people that whisper.
It is the internal voices that are demanding and hurtful.
How can I believe otherwise?
Nothing goes right anymore.
I just don’t want to make others suffer with me.
How unfair that I have to drag others down with me.
What do I do? I don’t know. What now?
“Go to God. He will heal you. He can save you.”
Many voices say this and I have one thing to say to them.
I can’t.
I want to. How desperately I want to.
But, if I think of myself as worthless as I see myself,
How can I believe God sees me differently?
They say step one is seeing yourself as loved, but what if I fail step one?
“Well, search deeper. I’m sure you can find it. Have faith.”
Those are some of the most hurtful voices.
I wish so desperately that I knew how to. Oh, how I wish.
Faith is a difficult topic when you don’t have strength.
To be weak emotionally, spiritually, and physically makes faith nearly impossible.
There is this never ending loop.
You need faith to get strong, but you need some strength to keep faith.
I don’t want to stay this way.
Life is hard, sure, but God didn’t give us life to be comfortable.
We are here to be tried and tested.
My friends are here whether I want them to be or not.
As I sit here, I feel my heart being dragged down.
But, at the same time, I feel my heart being lightened some.
Now, what now? That is the question, isn’t it?
The struggle will not falter because, as of right now, it is winning.
I’m losing everything.
But this is when I just let go.
This is when I start to strip away the dead skin.
The layers of guilt, bad friendships, worthlessness, disappointment
The lies, the oversensitivity, the past, the unforgiveness.
Now is the time because it is the only time I have. The journey is beginning.
What will the journey look like?
Triumphant?
Tough?
Treacherous?
Tedious and tiresome?
The hardest thing I have ever done before?
Probably, but it begins now. And I’ll just have to make peace with that and deal with everything else one step at a time.
