FOR THE ONE I JUST LOST

Dear Grandpa,

I’m sure you already know, but in case you didn’t it’s me. I have struggled with the right things to say to you lately. As I come visit you and they tell us that we only have days or hours left with you, it’s like all my words are failing me. I guess I would first want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. And that I think about you every day and will continue to do so long after you leave us here on earth. I guess I’m not scared of you dying. I’m scared of what comes next.

I think about all the times I could have gone to see you but I didn’t. It’s funny because my excuse was always that you still be there a week from then. Now as I sit here I wish I wouldn’t have thought that way. I wish I would’ve gone to see you just one more time. I wish I would’ve told you I loved you more or just hugged you one last time. That’s the thing with regrets. There is nothing we can do about them. But now as I sit here with you, I know none of that matters. I know you love me and I know you understand how I feel probably better than I do. More than anything I know that you understand that I love you more than I can put into words.

It’s going to be hard going to your house and not having you greet me at the front door like always, in your collared shirt and pants (I never did see you in shorts). It will be weird going into your garage and cleaning out the fridge you always kept stalked with every brand of soda for anyone who would visit. It will be hardtop go shoot baskets on your court and not have you there watching. It will be strange to pick an apple off the tree and not have you yell at me for eating it even though it wasn’t ready. A lot of things are about to change for us grandpa. But not all of them will be bad.

I wish you could see how well everyone is doing, or at least trying to do with this. You aren’t gone yet and you have so many visitors here every single day. And your family is getting along so well. You would be so proud of the way everyone has come together. You’d be so proud of your girls. They haven’t left your side once. They are so afraid they might miss something that we can’t get them too sleep most nights. You’d be proud of your boys too. Both of them pitching in and making sure that your girls are taken care of at all times. It’s like even when you can’t physically talk to us or be with us, you are still able to give us exactly what we need. You are so many things to so many people, that it is truly incredible to see the lives you have touched in your one life time.

So as I sit here and write this letter to you, I have realized that I’m not crying for you, but instead I’m crying for me. I cry because I know that I won’t ever get to hear you call me your sweet heart again. Because I won’t see you answer your door one more time. Because I won’t be able to see you drive that truck you love one last time. Because soon you are going to just be gone, and someone I can only look at pictures of. And all though I knew this day would one day come, there was nothing I could do to prepare for the emotions this would all bring out.

So all though I’m sad because I’m going to miss you in such an immense way. For now, I know it’s time to say goodbye. And an unknown author said it best when he/she said “Goodbyes are not forever; Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I’ll miss you, until we meet again.” So I guess that’s where I leave this letter and where I’ll leave you. With an Ill miss you, but I know I will see you again one day. Until then, please watch over the beautiful family you created and love so much. Tell my Nino Mo hi for me, and tell him I love him and think of him every single day. Make sure you take care of Ricky for us and tell him to watch out for his mom and dad and sisters. But perhaps most importantly, go dance with grandma again. I know you are still holding on for us grandpa, but it’s okay to let go now. Trust that you’ve built this family, and we will always be okay.

All my love forever and ever