Dear Anxiety,
You suck.
Sorry if that was a little rude. But let's be honest, shall we? Since I was little, I have dealt with anxiety. You can recall, dear old friend, the times that I had panic attacks when stores announced they were closing, right? Well, at least I have learned to conquer that fear, at least a little bit.
Anxiety, you have caused a lot of negatives in my life. I have lost countless relationships with friends. Why do I blame you? Because you made me too nervous to text them, asking if they want to hang out.
Do they actually like you?
What if they say no? What if you look pathetic, dependent?
Can you handle big crowds? You know you get uncomfortable, so why even attempt to do it?
Yes, those questions running through my mind caused me to never respond or say that I was busy, when in fact I was not. You know, anxiety, sometimes those questions really culminated into an awful night in my house, convincing my family I was okay. Not only have I lost friends, but I have also lost confidence in myself.
What will people think if you eat all that food? How many calories are in those cookies?
That, my dear friend, led to a struggle with my body image that caused me to be at a weight I should have never been at in my late teens. Thankfully, I have started to avoid your constant nagging, though you are still there every day.
Anxiety, that is not the biggest problem. No, the biggest problem is the one that comes -- oh I do not know, maybe twice a day? Here it is, in case you forgot:
What if you fail?
I am sure that everyone hears this thought. But anxiety, for some reason, you have decided to make this my downfall. You press it into my consciousness, forcing me to renege on decisions I have made. Because of you, I gave up on a job opportunity this summer at my university that would have given me tons of experience. YOU convinced me that I was not ready, that I would fail in this position, that I could not handle the job.
And for that, I say, eff off.
However, I am not writing this to simply yell at you. Somehow, even though you have caused much panic and worry throughout my first nineteen years, you have also been an important part of my life.
Anxiety, thank you.
Thank you for making me realize that my true friends are the ones who understand that I am quiet in big groups and that I need time to be alone. To my friends at Brandeis (you know who you are), you made my anxiety a little less oppressive.
Thank you for acknowledging I needed help. I am not afraid to say that I have been seeing a counselor and I take anxiety medication. While it took me a while to accept, I am glad that I did.
Thank you for showing me new opportunities. When I went to New Zealand, I thought I would back out of bungy jumping, that my anxiety would cause me to fail. But, I did jump. And when I was finished jumping, I was able to raise a middle finger in my mind, proving you cannot always win my inner struggle.
Finally, anxiety, thank you for steering my life sometimes in the right way. If I had never quit the summer job, I would have never met my dog Ellie, whose adoption is one of the best things that has ever happened in my life.
So, even though it has taken me a long time to admit that you are going to forever be a part of my life, I now realize it. While I will occasionally curse you out (in my mind of course), I also will thank you for the ways in which you have helped me.
Sincerely,
A dear old friend
If you or someone you love is struggling with mental health, please look at these websites. The NIMH (National Insitute of Mental Health) and ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America) has wonderful resources to help you. The first step is often the hardest, but it is worth it.
