It is said that the first man to love a woman is her father. A father is the first man a woman loves, trusts, confides in, and depends on. A father is the first man a woman opens up to, looks to for guidance, and forms a special bond with. A father is supposed to be a woman's first best friend. But you were the first man to break my heart.

Every girl needs her mother, but I needed you. I didn't get the childhood I so desperately wanted with you. I wanted you at every basketball game. I wanted you at every swimming practice. I wanted you at every birthday. I wanted to tell you about all my fears, dreams, goals, and aspirations. I just wanted you to want to be there. Be consistent. Make the effort. Show that you care. I wanted you to protect me. I wanted to guide me. I wanted you to love me. I used to feel like I wasn't enough for you because all I ever wanted was your approval and for you to love me the way you seemed to love everyone else, but me. I wanted to come first to you and I never understood how or why I always had to fight with you for you to love me as if that wasn't something that you should have already been doing consistently from the start.

When you missed my eighth grade graduation, I was sad. I don't think I was as disappointed in the moment because I didn't understand the reality of the situation. My father, my only father, was not at my eighth grade graduation. He didn't want to be at my eighth grade graduation. When you missed my Sweet 16, I kid you not, I was broken. I literally felt my heart breaking in my chest. I remember throwing myself to the floor and crying for three hours as I looked at the text you sent telling me that you had made the decision not to attend my Sweet 16 and do the father/daughter dance with me that I had to beg you to consider. Despite our issues, I thought that you would come through for me. I thought to myself, How could he not? I'm his daughter. His only daughter. But you didn't come through for me and that was the moment when I lost all faith in having a normal relationship with you. My father, my only father, was not at my Sweet 16. He didn't want to be at my Sweet 16. When you missed my high school graduation, I wasn't even surprised. I wasn't even disappointed. I didn't even care. I felt nothing. There was no emotion for me to feel because you didn't deserve to be a part of that moment. You weren't a part of my success. I expected it because by then I knew and understood the kind of man you are. I had given up on you long before that.

I used to think maybe I didn't deserve you, that maybe I wasn't enough for you because I couldn't understand how everyone else in my life could have their father a huge part of their life and I couldn't. I used to compare our relationship to the relationship my friends and cousins had with their fathers and I didn't understand. I had friends who had divorced parents and their fathers were still very much consistent in their lives and I wondered why I couldn't get the same. All I ever wanted from you was love and consistency and I never got that from you. I got the time and energy you decided you wanted to give me. You gave me what was enough for you, but it was never enough for me. None of it was ever enough for me. Something else always came before Courtney. Courtney always came second or last or didn't even come at all. Do you understand what that does to a little girl who just wants her father to do right by her? Do you understand the damage that is really done? No, you don't because you grew up with your father.

I wish I could explain to you how much the lack of love that you gave me has impacted my relationships with other people. I have severe trust issues. I give up on people easily. I don't fight for anyone to stay in my life, even if I want them to. I tell myself all the time that I don't need anyone in my life and I'm fine being alone. When someone is trying to show me that they care about me, I push them away rather than embracing them because I don't think that they mean it. I second guess most of the friendships and relationships in my life because I think that people are poison and toxic and I'm better off without them. I have my guard up with people, even family members, 90% of the time. I am severely afraid of showing anyone that I care about them or the relationship we have because I don't think the feelings will be reciprocated or acknowledged. It is literally like pulling teeth for me to tell anyone something I am bothered by or upset about that they did to me. I am so sensitive to the point where it makes me want to slap myself half of the time because everything isn't as deep and emotional as I make it. Sometimes I snap at Mommy for no reason and I don't have any explanation as to why. Most things, even good things, make me sad for no reason. I purposely sabotage a guy's interest in me because I am severely afraid of catching real feelings for me, so I just curve them until they give up. I tell myself that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone and I don't want a man to make me happy because I know it's not going to end well and I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough or prepared for that kind of heartbreak. I'm not blaming you for everything that is wrong with me, but you have contributed enormously. I learned my worth a lot later in life than I wish I had and I used to blame you. I used to constantly think that if you were there for me like you should have been, I would not have had to go through a lot of the things I did because I would have already known what was and wasn't okay for my physical, emotional, and mental health. Though you've tried to explain it to me, there are no excuses as to why you were not there like you should have been. You were there for my brothers, you should have been there for me. You made it work for everyone else, you should have made it work for me.

I used to cry at night for you. When I was a little girl, I used to cry at night asking God why didn't you love me, why didn't you want me. I thought there was something wrong with me because you have three beautiful boys that you go hard for and one beautiful girl who never even got half of you. I always got 25 while they got 100. When I didn't speak to you for a year an a half, I was doing better without you than I was doing with you. For once, I felt okay and emotionally stable with the terms we were on. I used to feel like I needed you in my life because you were my father. When I was younger, I believed that I had to accept the way you treated me. I couldn't imagine not speaking to you because even if you weren't there as much as I wanted you to be, I felt that the time you could give me was better than the you not giving me any time at all. However, I was wrong. I shouldn't have to accept you for any way I can get you because that's not the way a daughter's relationship with her father should be. You should already know how to treat me. I loved you so much that I ignored anything negative anyone would ever say about you, even if it was true. I defended you. And when I was sick of the way you treated me, I realized I didn't need you. I was fighting for someone who didn't exist anymore. I was fighting a losing battle, so I let go. I let go of you like I never let go of anyone before.

Even though we have a slightly better relationship, I look at you a lot differently. At almost twenty years old, I don't need you like I feel like I needed you as a child. I don't need love, validation, or acceptance from you. I give that to myself. I don't need you to teach me how a man should treat me. I know. And I know that I will be okay with or without you. I've joked with my mother about how maybe I even have "daddy issues" (I probably do to be honest lol), but I am living for me. I am healing. I am happy. And I have myself to thank for that. I have forgiven you, I love you, and I am happy that you're in my life and that we are on better terms, but I know that I will never be able to say that I have the relationship with my father that I deserved. I thought maybe I wasn't enough for you, but as I've gotten older something I've realized is it wasn't me who wasn't enough for you. It was you who was never enough for me.