Hey Arie, you know that saying, "Minnesota Nice?" Well, that no longer applies to you. You hurt our girl Becca, Arie, you hurt her badly and you just pissed off an entire state. I don’t know how things are done in Arizona, but here in Minnesota, we say our “opes” and “thank yous” and treat each other with respect. Although our passive-aggressive decision making may take time, we never go back on our word when all is said and done.
You, Arie, sat in the living room where Becca’s family screamed with the prospect of the Vikings going to the Super Bowl, only to have their hopes dashed EVERY SINGLE YEAR. You sat at their table where they have shared tatertot hotdish and tapioca pudding. And in case your sun-soaked brain can’t understand, both of those events are absolutely sacred to born and bred Minnesotans.
Since you will never again be allowed to set foot in Minnesota, especially not with that piece of cardboard you decided to marry, I thought I would take the liberty of sharing all the things that you will never be able to experience.
1. Realizing that the cherry in the spoon is completely overrated.
2. Overestimating your abilities by declaring that you could eat and finish a large Nelson’s Ice Cream cone.
3. Being teased by the prospect of spring in March only to have it snow until June.
4. Teaching your children how to play Duck, Duck, Grey Duck (If anyone wants to tell me it is Duck, Duck, Goose, be ready to FIGHT ME).
5. Tasting heaven on Earth, otherwise known as a Juicy Lucy.
6. Going shopping at the Mall of America on Black Friday and legitimately fearing for your life.
7. Realizing that all of your stationary supplies are 3M products.
8. Watching your children get their hopes up that school will be cancelled, even though it NEVER is (If there is less than 6 feet of snow, bundle up kiddos).
9. Going to the State Fair and eating your weight in Sweet Martha’s Cookies.
10. Seeing people in shorts the minute the temperature hits 50 degrees.
11. Boasting about living in the state that gave birth to Judy Garland, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Prince, Bob Dylan, and Target (Yes, Target started in Minnesota. You’re welcome).
12. Fishing during the winter.
13. Tasting the joy that is Caribou Coffee.
Are you filled with jealousy yet, or shall I continue Mr. Luyendyk? Well you and that human version of watching paint dry can go have fun with your 120 degree weather and winning sports teams, but us Minnesotans will be watching the Bachelorette all season, watching Becca fall in love with a much kinder and much more exciting man who knows more sayings beyond “I love that”.
Also, if you ever step foot in Minnesota again, we swear on Herb Brooks’ grave that we will come at you with a series of passive aggressive blows each one more powerful and devastating than its predecessor. Enjoy your life of being a semi-pro race car driver who, fun fact, HAS NEVER WON A MAJOR RACE; Becca deserves so much better. OH YA, YOU BETCHA.
