To anyone I have ever hurt,
May of 2016, I was kicked in the ass by my own guilt and hit a breaking point. There was a wall holding me back from growing and maturing mentally and emotionally. Through a lot of self-reflection, vulnerability, and talking it out, I feel I need to write this letter. I want you to know I am sorry. I know that simple statement isn't going to change much in your mind, but I genuinely am sorry.
Grade School
I was a popular kid. I played sports, talked to everyone, had really close friends, and was a bully. My first memory of being mean to another kid was in pre-school. I told a classmate their ghost drawing wasn't nearly as good as mine. Some might say I was just a kid and didn't know better, but I did not like this classmate and wanted them to know.
In fourth grade, I remember planning with some of my closest friends to circle around the new girl at recess and deliberately make her cry. We did it. I enjoyed it. I'm sorry for deliberately making you feel unwanted.
In fifth grade, we targeted kids that weren't as popular and verbally abused them any moment we could capture. We got in trouble. We laughed in the teacher's face when she was yelling at us. I'm sorry for being so disrespectful.
In sixth grade, Girl War III began. I managed to be Switzerland throughout most of the event. I won't elaborate on the details of what went down. Let's just say we all enjoyed tearing each other to pieces.
Jr. high managed to be fairly low-key years. To my old best friend, I'm sorry we fought on the phone on Christmas Eve in eighth grade. I remember being completely selfish and cruel throughout that conversation, and I regret it.
In grade school, I never stopped bullying because even though I was a terrible person, I still somehow managed to get along with everyone.
To all my St. Cecilia's kids, I am sorry.
I was stuck in my old ways. I reverted back to what I was comfortable with; being a bitch.
To my best friend, I'm sorry we
Sophomore year, the most judgemental year of my life. To anyone I ever threw a nasty look at or said a rude comment about, I'm sorry.
Things looked up junior year. I come out of my shell and start making more friends that I love. My insecurities skyrocket, needing to "keep my image up" of being a cold-hearted chick.
Senior year. A silent battle with what I called being "in a funk" begins. To make myself feel better, more alive, I relapsed into bullying again. To the girl I called one of my best friends, I'm sorry I refused to understand what you were going through. I only thought of myself and what I thought was best for the people around me, to get rid of you. This was the lowest of lows I had gotten, and I feel deep remorse for what went down.
To the people I was friends with in high school, I'm sorry for fueling the negativity we all tossed around like nothing.
To all my Marian girls, I am sorry.
College
To the girl I was best friends with for 13 years, I'm sorry things ended the way they did between us freshman year. Though we never hashed anything out, I said and thought some horrible things about you that I now realize was extremely insensitive of me to do. I was beyond livid and left wondering what went wrong. I hope you understand.
To the people I met freshman year, I'm sorry I was a selfish asshole. I turned away from bullying and thought I was a great person. I had grown mentally and was not even close to being as mean as I used to be, but I felt as if I deserved the world and any sort of manipulation I needed to use to reach my goal I would use. To the people I refused to listen to and take their lives into consideration, I am sorry.
To the girl I became fast friends with, I'm sorry. Our friendship lasted a month before the biggest fight of my life broke out between us in my car one night. While we tried to help you a countless number of times, our help only reached so far before personal attacks came from both sides in a serious situation. I hate the way things ended; it got petty and vicious because I felt I needed to defend myself and my friends, as you probably did, too.
To the person that I was friends with for 17 years, I'm sorry. Though inadvertent, I never sought out to ignore you. School caught up with me, as did rekindling old friendships and growing stronger in those relationships. I decided to surround myself with the people that allow me to strive to be the best me and deeply invested my time in them. I forgot to acknowledge you, not realizing how it made you feel until it was the end. It upsets me how it ended, but I understand that it is what is best for you personally.
To my best friends now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you stood by my side throughout all these years while I went through my phases, having to witness the worst of my being. Thank you for being the greatest people I have ever had the privilege of calling my best friends. We have all grown so much in these past few months that I have never felt so happy with myself until recently. I know I never say it without an eyeroll (or not at all), but I really love you guys with all my heart.
This letter isn't for my own self-satisfaction or to improve whatever image I might have. I gain nothing out of this. I am deeply ashamed of what I did to so many people. It took me years to recognize I was a bully, and it still took me a while to recognize I can't push my insecurities onto others.
I write this letter for anyone that has ever felt attacked by me. I understand if you don't forgive me, and I'm not asking for forgiveness. Even though I moved past the guilt, I don't forgive myself for the hurt I have caused so many. I just want to put it out there and say I am sorry.
I wish the best for you all,
Olivia
