The first time the concept of consensual sex was introduced to me was during my freshman orientation of college. Prior to that, I had always assumed that the consent part was implied and didn’t need a specific distinction.
This, however, came from a lack of understanding of what it truly means to give consent. Now that I fully understand consent, I see that it might not be that straightforward.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is either consensual or it’s sexual assault. There are no gray areas here. There might be some gray areas, however, in regards to most people’s understanding of consent as it pertains to sex. This is why we need to talk more about consensual sex. We need to take it upon ourselves to be informed about what consent really is, and what it isn’t.
The Student Wellness Advocacy Group at Elizabethtown College works to inform students about consent. Last spring they gave out some t-shirts which read, “Let’s talk about consensual sex” on the front.
On the back of the shirt is an acronym, CARE, to help individuals remember what giving consent entails. Here’s what CARE means:
Competent- A person can’t always give consent if they’re impaired. If someone is under the influence this doesn’t imply consent.
Active- Consent cannot be given through coercion, intimidation or force. Each person has the right to make the choice for themselves.
Reversible- Consent can be withdrawn at any time. People are allowed to change their minds. Prior consent does not imply current or future consent either.
Explicit- Silence is not consent. Even if there isn’t an explicit no, this doesn’t imply yes.
Not only is it important for us as a society to be more aware of what it actually means to give consent, but we should strive to use this knowledge to recognize scenarios in which sexual assault may occur. It’s important to pay attention to signs and to trust your gut. Ask yourself, if it were you, would you want someone to intervene?
If it’s within your power, intervening when consent hasn’t been given is an amazing thing to do. Sometimes it can be as simple as asking someone if they’re okay or creating a diversion.
I wear my “Let’s talk about consensual sex” t-shirt out in public a lot. My mom absolutely hates all the attention I get when I wear it, but I welcome the strange looks and stares that I get from people. I would love for someone to approach me and talk to me about consensual sex because that’s something we aren’t doing enough of.
There seems to be this assumption—one which I used to make myself—that you just innately know when someone is giving consent. That is a dangerous notion and needs to change.
You’ve already taken the first step toward educating yourself about what it really means to give consent. I encourage you to take the pledge to keep women and men safe from sexual assault and be an active part of the solution at itsonus.org.
If you or someone you know is a victim or survivor of sexual assault you can go to notalone.gov or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE for more resources and information.
