it all started with an anxiety attack.
i still remember that night. i still remember lying on the floor of my bathroom with that feeling of drowning. i couldn't breathe. i still remember that ramen i left on the table because my stomach had closed. i still remember going to the herbalife weight-loss conferences. i still remember that coach who advised me to drink some shakes “but only to keep my weight off”. i still remember going to those meetings where there was only “clean” food.
but that anxiety attack, that one especially, changed everything.
anorexia began to write the story of what would be a struggle to survive.
more than three years later, i’m about to finish writing it... only this time the tables have turned: now i’m writing my story.
for me, stopping eating was a vice; calculating every calorie, feeling my stomach empty, fasting until i fainted. and that vice ends up becoming a habit, a way of life. and this is very difficult to understand, and even more so for those who have not suffered from it. it is difficult to understand how a girl with so many qualities can enter into this vicious self-destructive circle. but, honestly, it’s quite easy. not only that, but it’s quite logical.
who could bear the constant pressure of what we must be, look and feel? how can we survive a society in which physical appearance prevails over anything else? how can a person who has not stopped striving to be “perfect” since she was a child grow up without breaking down in the attempt?
it is impossible. self-demanding is a positive feedback loop. it’s never enough, you never demand enough of yourself. and then you snap. in a thousand pieces. and you have no choice but to recognize that it has to stop, that it’s your turn to bend over and pick up your own pieces. and then you try to put them back together again. but that's impossible. you’ll never be like before. and that’s good, too, because what really matters is getting to rebuild yourself again and better. not perfect. not like most of the world expects. no. you must place them as you choose, as you truly love yourself.
the complicated thing is to describe how i’m trying to get out of there, because sometimes i see everything from a distance and sometimes from up close, and it’s like i’m remembering and living a movie over and over again. the first people to realize that something wasn’t right were my mother and my older sister. i still remember that day when they told me i looked thinner. although they had also noticed that i was eating less, (here i was in the darkest phases of my depression) since they saw that i was eating less, they associated it a lot with the herbalife conferences because my father unconsciously was involved in all of this, and today, i think that was part of the trigger for this disorder, but i also think that my anxiety and my depression were there much earlier.
it wasn’t until september of last year that i asked for help. i’d seen a therapist before, but this time it was different. i still remember going to the doctor alone, begging the doctor who was standing in at the time to help me. i tried to take my life many times a year after my depression, but this time they became almost a routine. i couldn’t take it anymore. i knew i couldn’t keep living that way.
that doctor who helped me, saved my life, literally. that’s when my journey with the mental health team began.
my psychiatrist decided to refer me to a psychologist who specialized in eating disorders, with whom i still have contact today. my primary psychologist was with me through all phases of this disorder. and i think that’s crucial. professional help for both the person suffering from the disorder and the family is essential.
on the other hand, it is necessary that the prejudices that exist around this type of disorder disappear, since the damage that they generate on the people who are suffering is greater than is thought. the fact that many people consider this type of disorder to be of “capricious and superficial girls who want to attract attention” does us all a disservice. or, at least, i felt that way many times.
i felt ashamed. and if you feel that way, it’s much harder to accept that you have a problem. and that makes it much harder, because acknowledging the problem is the first step out of it. that step, which seems small, but which is a world, is the beginning of hope. it’s the beginning of the solution. and in that beginning, the support and affection, not only professional, but that of your loved ones is what makes everything possible in the end.
once it is detected and the right decision is made to seek professional help, the process remains hard and difficult. with ups and downs. with moments of lack of control, of fear, of vertigo, mixed with others of calm, of being aware, of wanting to get out of there. and you gain and lose strength, in an addictive balance. the good news is that this means that you are fighting, even though sometimes you do not believe it. and in all that whirlwind of life, or rather, of death in life, i was setting myself goals. small ones. big ones. but goals.
one of my biggest goals... sport. since i was a child, sport have always been part of me, but i spent practically all my adolescence not being able to practice it or doing it in a very controlled way. sport had always been one of my greatest hobbies. how could i allow this fundamental part of my life to be something forbidden? this is a delicate subject, because if you are in a complicated moment of the disorder, you are going to use physical exercise with the only purpose of losing weight. with the only purpose of feeling that you have everything under control, that those calories that you consider you have consumed too much have been burned, erased, eliminated from your body. to use it to eliminate that unpleasant feeling that you end up eating that which you were afraid to smell. that is the danger.
coming out of a disorder like this makes us grow and mature. in these last three years, and now trying to get out from the shadow of the disorder, my fight has continued, because, in this society, in this time, for people who have gone through something like this, but also for those who have not, it is very easy to fall into despair, into anxiety, into the rejection of oneself. therefore, i believe that seeking those values that comfort us, that strengthen us, is one of the things that has continued to give me strength. values such as empathy, and solidarity. the feeling that i am part of something, of a group that pursues the same thing, that fights against the same things that i do. in short, not feeling alone. that it is not the same to enjoy our time in solitude, to feel that we are alone or lonely. surrounding ourselves with people who bring us, who fill us, who give us light. to be able to do the same for other people.
am i cured? i don’t know yet. i have days in which i keep seeing myself bigger. sometimes i feel bad if at some point i think i ate too much food, but i don’t feel constantly sad, i don’t hide food anymore, i don’t drink zero calorie monsters instead of real food anymore, i don’t lie about it, i don’t look at myself thousand times in all the mirrors i have.
i’m not saying that i don’t worry about my physical appearance, i’m not saying that there aren’t days when one looks worse. the important thing is to relativize it, to make it less important. and be aware that perfection does not exist, and if it did, i do not think it is advisable to approach it either. each one of us is unique, we have a lot to contribute and we have a lot to feel. let yourself live, let yourself feel. i will not get what i want in my life, i will not even be constantly happy. that’s not real, and besides, it generates a lot of pressure. but, i am going to live as coherently as i can and in peace. whatever it takes. and if i’ve managed to get this far and write these words, it’s because i really, really know that trying to get out of the disease is possible. and if i am able to reach one person with this, it will have been worth it.
you’re not alone.
at least you know now that, at least,
there is another person in the universe who can lend you a hand.
