I have never been skinny, well actually I was a skinny kid until my second semester of third grade. I had gained so much weight my mom thought something was wrong with me and I visited the doctor. In high school, I was on a sports team where I lost a lot of weight during off season but I never thought I was skinny. Flash forward to college and I gained all my weight back and then some, and honestly, I can't believe I thought I was fat in high school. But it's weird what your brain makes you believe is true. When I was in high school I thought I was as big as I am now. And being a bigger girl has led to a lot of insecurities and has hindered me from doing things in fear of being judged. These are things I don't do because I feel too fat to do it or that I believe happen because I'm a bigger person.

1. Make new friends easily

I feel like no one wants to be friends with the fat girl so I but on a RBF and it eases the thought that people just don't talk to me because I look like a bitch and not my weight.

2. Get invited to go out

I feel like I don't get invited out because I'm not fun enough, or social or hot enough and a lot of the problem of why I'm not fun or social is because I let my weight hold me back. I sometimes think my friends don't like me because of my weight and that's why there rarely talk to me and hang out with other people. It's hard thinking about this insane reason no one like you but understanding that if I didn't let it hold me back I wouldn't have been jealous of every time I see a group of friends hang out and I not be invited.

3. Eat a big meal

I like to eat, but usually, I eat half of my meal, place it into a to-go box, and then eat it when I get home. I don't want others to see how much I eat because I feel like I'll be judged for eating a meal whole when someone half my size states that it's big enough for two people.

4. Talk to guys

For 16 years I never had a boyfriend or a potential suitor, I had a lot of crushes. I just let my weight get in the way of me talking to them because I thought they would never go for me. It didn't help that a boy told me on the school bus that I was pushing to much cushion for him.

5. Dance

I never dance in public, unless extremely intoxicated, because I feel like others will judge all of my body jiggling around. I love to sing and dance, but when I'm in a private setting I just awkwardly stand in the corner until I am comfortable shaking my ass. I mean there was a viral post that shamed a bigger male who was dancing and I'm afraid someone would do that to me.

6. Be social

How does one become a social butterfly? I don't know how and I never try because I am so insecure and my weight has a lot to do with it.

7. Do group physical activities

I don't go to group fitness classes or work out with a partner because I don't want them to see how physically out of shape I am. Hell I fake yawn when going upstairs so I just seem tired and not totally out of breath. I didn't participate in a bonding ropes course activity with my sorority because I felt to fat and I would be holding up the group and the harness wouldn't fit me. I don't like going to the gym alone for fear of just being judged for trying to be healthy.

8. Tell people to retake a photo

I'm going to look fat in all of them so I just stopped bothering to look at them when the photographer asked us if we liked them.

9. Shopping trips with friends

Yeah sure I save money because there's never anything in my size and when there is there's a giant sign that says plus size here and it's in a different section. I want to have those classic movie mall trip scenes with my girlfriends, but I just feel like the crazy chick from White Chicks every time I try something on.

10. Go swimming in public

Whether it's a public pool or water park I never have felt comfortable only walking around in a one piece. Don't get me started about my dreaded feelings on bikinis or tankinis. Why can't 1920's suits come back in style? I praise every girl who feel comfortable in their own skin to wear a bikini but that is not me yet.

11. Be myself

In philosophy there is the theory of three selves: meaning we have three selves that we show the world. 1 to the world, 1 to friends and family and 1 to only ourselves which is theorized as our true self. My true self is buried way down deep and because I feel weighed down by my size most of my friends on see the self I portray to the world. My real self is funny, smart, social, gives no fucks, speaks her feelings, and usually shows up around the 5th margarita.

Now you could read this and say just loose weight you'll do better, but I have and it didn't work. I honestly had a worse body image issue then, than I do now. The weight isn't really the big issue, it's my brain and what I think it should think like. What I've been taught is shameful of a bigger person, what we shouldn't do, and what's not for us. It's not okay that I think this way and I hope that everyone else who has a body image issue and insecurities gets help from someone, because body image issues can lead to harmful mental health disorders.