Love can be a very dangerous feeling, and an even more dangerous word. I have had my fair share of relationships, and many do not go the way that you want them to, especially if love is involved. Most of my relationships have had love involved, and most were terrible. I had a guy date me on a dare because he and his friends thought I was the ugliest girl in school and he ended up getting $100 for dating me for three months. I was with a guy that cheated on me, but this last relationship took its toll on me, but I eventually had the confidence to get out of it.

I have struggled over the years with my self confidence especially when it comes to relationships, so I tended to get into toxic relationships and mistake it for love and be blinded by that love. I love very easily because I have a big heart and I'm so insecure, but when I found him I thought it was going to truly become something real. I changed myself a lot for him, I was loyal to him even when we were just in the “talking” stage of our relationship. I thought I meant the world to him because he meant the world to me, but I turned out to be wrong.

At first the relationship was better than any relationship I had ever been in before. I remember our first date, four hours in the library felt like forty minutes. We could talk for hours and he made me feel so special, but whenever I would leave for a point in time he would become incredibly distant. Going back to Germany for winter break was especially hard because at one point he stopped talking to me altogether, I thought that was the end of it. I figured this was because the relationship was so new, but it got so much worse when he could not come back to Ithaca that next semester. I would be lucky if he texted me back, I would constantly be left on read, I would go a day without hearing from him at some points, but I was so in love that I just passed it off for him being busy. However, during the course of our relationship I would wake up to or get random messages saying “I can’t do this anymore, I keep getting these messages that you’re cheating on me, I don’t know if I can do this,” and I would just cry and cry and beg him to take me back. He knew that I would never cheat on anyone and would eventually come to his senses, take me back, and tell me he would never want to truly leave me and we would be fine. Then it would be back to the endless cycle of him treating me like I was nothing again.

After about the third time of this happening, my friends started to really become weary about the relationship and wanted me to leave him. They told me I deserved better and that he was treating me like a piece of trash, but I was so blinded by the love I had for him that their words just went in one ear and out the other. I should have listened to them sooner. He eventually stopped visiting me on weekends, or saying that he would come but backing out at the last minute. I was getting so tired of it and fed up, I was starting to feel so unwanted, but he would tell me he loves me and I would stay because that is all that mattered to me. Because of past relationships, I tend to get jealous really easily, but for some reason when he kept hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and he told me they were just friends and nothing was going to happen, I blindly believed him.

When he told me out of nowhere that he may want to get together with his ex-girlfriend I was partially surprised and partially not surprised. I wanted to fight for him to stay because I know he would have stayed with me, but when talking to my friends about it, they all told me to leave him, and helped me to get my head out of the cloud of love that was surrounding my mind. I realized that I deserved so much more than what I was getting out of that relationship, I deserve a man that cares for me and would do anything for me. My friends helped me to gain the confidence to leave that relationship, and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. He told me he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend and I let him do what was going to make him happy which was to be with her.

I never thought I would have the confidence to leave a relationship, but now I am happier than ever. Listening to my friends and realizing my worth has been one of the most enlightening experiences I will ever have. The self confidence I have now because of that experience is astounding to me. I have since found someone that truly cares about me and makes me the happiest I can be, and my ex-boyfriend has tried to win me back and try and change but I am not giving him anything. Never settle for someone who does not know your worth or realizes how amazing you are. The right guy is worth the wait, believe me.