There are three types of Christians this Lenten season. There are the people who do not give up anything. There are those who gave something up and then cheated while simultaneously hoping Jesus would forgive them. And lastly, there are the people who have given something up, committed to it fully, and are cranky because they are having no fun.
Lent fails happen every year, but somehow we are still trying to be holy.
The most common lent fail has to be eating meat on Friday. Those of us who know the hardships of having cheese pizza every Friday in our religious school's cafeteria know that it is almost humanly impossible to give up eating meat on Fridays. Disclaimer: Cheese pizza is awesome every other day of the week, but when it is Friday and you cannot have meat, you want to scream, "Give me pepperoni or give me death!" As a kid, you are told you can eat meat on Fridays during Lent because you are a growing child. This is basically just paving the road for you to make an excuse for yourself every year so that you can stuff your face with meat like a barbarian, because the fact of the matter is meat tastes extra delicious on Fridays during Lent. Why can't we all just agree to be carnivorous and happy?
Another common Lenten fail is going back on your promise to not eat chocolate. Nobody should give up chocolate, ever. The only people who can give up chocolate successfully are the few who claim they do not like chocolate. Steer clear of these people anyway because they are either liars or inhuman.
Soda addicts that give up soda for Lent quickly become a threat to themselves and to society. They are frequently deranged, are usually asking you for “just one sip," and are always waiting for their next fix. They rarely go all of Lent without soda and if they do, they fall right off the wagon first thing Easter morning.
There are probably six people on planet earth that have successfully cut out all fast food from their lives, and none of these people live in America. People who fail at giving up fast food for Lent are not solely to blame. McDonald's, you cruel mistress, do not think no one has noticed that you added mozzarella sticks and Bundt cakes to your value menu during this Lenten season. That is foul play.
It is 3 a.m., you just left the club and those golden arches are illuminating the night sky. God who? Jesus who? Your loyalties at that point only lie with Ronald McDonald. If you are a fast food eater and have ever successfully given up fast food for all 40 days of Lent even one time, you deserve the key to the gates of heaven.
Disclaimer II: If you think my tone in this article suggests what I gave up for Lent is my chance of going to heaven, calm down. I am only joking.
