Leaving someone is not always an easy decision to make, especially if the individual has given half of their life to one another. It becomes a beautiful, happy, sad, heartbreaking story of two lives that have changed. I was with a man for 15 years, whom I loved with every part of my heart and soul. We were best friends and lovers. One day I packed up some of my belongings, put them in my car and drove away. There were many reasons I left, but didn’t focus on it, I don’t remember everything that happened that day, I just left. Two and a half years later, I was able to gain courage to reach out to my ex fiancé to speak.

We met when we were 11 years old, we lived on the same street and my brother played baseball and football with boys on the block. I never knew that one of my brothers’ good friends would be the love of my life. Robert and I started dating and I have to admit I did not want a boyfriend, but he pursued me until I finally agreed to go out with him.

Robert blurted out that he loved me on our second date. In shock I turned to him and told him that he had too much to drink, and then I laughed and told him he was crazy. He told me, he was going marry me someday. Now I’m thinking he has gone way too far, he bumped his head. Life was good, we went to concerts, traveled, Vegas bound all the time, beach bums, shared the same views on most political issues, studied in college together. We were growing and grooming our lives together. Eleven years later he proposed, he sat on the couch, I was sitting on another couch across the room, Robert asked “Are you ready to get married?” I looked at him and said “Yes I am, are you?” He nodded yes, as tears rolled down his face, he asked me to marry him, tears rolled down my face because I never thought this day would come. I said yes. Excited, I kept it to myself for a week and only told our immediate families. I bought my wedding dress, started wedding planning. I can’t say what changed between us during this time, all I remember all the answers forward were no, no to the wedding venue, no to the flowers, no to the guest list, no, no, no, no. I then started to feel sad, and became insecure, thinking, this guy is leading me on! I had no other words or feelings, I walked out of his life, as he cried and begged me to stay, and I couldn’t look at him.

Here I sit, a few years later, realized that I should have talked to him. One late night crying, asking myself, “what did I do? Why did I do it, why did I leave?" I texted him at 4am. I could not sleep, there were things he needed to know about why I left, I felt that I owed him that. I called him later that day at a decent hour, so we could talk. I asked if he would give me the opportunity, we talked made a date to meet up. As we both cried, with so many emotions, it was an overwhelming heartache, I asked him if there was any way he would want to work things out. He wouldn’t look at me as he asked me, why now, what changed, he told me he had moved on. As my heart and stomach fell out of my body all I could do is cry and accept the choice I made, I then handed him his engagement ring, hugged him, told him I was deeply sorry for hurting him, and to forgive me. Robert replied “I have no ill feelings towards you." He told me I’m the strongest woman he’s ever known. As I listened to him say all these kind things about me, the only thing going through my head was, “how did we get here?" The only man I have loved almost my entire life. I said “thank you”, turned to look at him and said good-bye.