This is my first time publicly speaking on my religious stance. I write this with fear of prejudice and misunderstanding. I take it upon myself to write this not only for myself to be proud of where I am in my spiritual path, but for those of you who do not follow the, “popular path” of religion and feel silenced for it due to their environment. I must disclose that this not an “attack” on any one religion, and this is how I and many other people have experienced religion.
I was indoctrinated as a child into the Catholic church by my father. My infant baptism, my first communion, and confirmation happened in perfect chronological order. I went to catechism classes for years, attended mass almost every Sunday despite my kicking, screaming pleas to not go. During my teen years, I attended church retreats and several conventions, and throughout my life I’ve attended several different denominations. My religious past is important because as an atheist person I am often asked, “Have you ever been to church? Do you know what church is?”
The religion I experienced caused me to struggle with crippling self-hate, as well as causing me to have ideas about others that were completely misled. As a young teen, I thought women who got abortions were “evil”, rape was “God’s plan”, and millions of people who didn’t fall into the “heaven-worthy” mold would burn in a fiery pit for all eternity. Trying to love myself while also trying to maintain a Christian identity, I was 12 when I first started saying “I hate myself” and “I’m unlovable.” I was full of doubt and I didn’t fit the “standard” of a good Christian girl, and for that I was made to feel ashamed and terrified for my soul that was condemned just by existing.
Eventually, after years of therapy and many nights contemplating the teachings of the church, I adopted a new moral code. One that I’ve found to be more kind, accepting, without a sense of judgement and without changing who I am. I’m just trying to be the best “me” I can be: To the world, to the people, and find where I’m supposed to fit in this crazy journey we call life. While many have claimed I am “missing” something in my life by not believing in religion, they are undoubtedly wrong. I was missing something when I was forced into a life I didn’t want or believe in, and then taught to fear believing in anything else.
Though I call myself an atheist, I am wise enough to know that no one has the answer to the “God” question. I don't declare anything, and for that I find myself different from almost all religious and non-religious peoples, who are adamant in the existence or nonexistence of a God.
Ever since I left religion, I felt the need to be silent about my spirituality. With the majority of people around me deep in their faith, it's easy to feel like an outcast and unwanted. Not many people are accepting of my ideas on religion, but expect me to be accepting of theirs. My experience speaks to people who live in disdain because of their doubt instead of embracing it. There’s nothing wrong with screaming loud and proud, “I’m not religious!” or “I’m religious!”.
Just because I don’t believe in your God doesn’t mean I don’t believe in love, compassion, and empathy. These things exist in nature, without the influence of religion. I find myself surprised every day by the amazing acts of humanity done for one another.
I refuse to feel guilty or ashamed for leaving religion. For most of my life I felt like religion was a box, closing in slowly around my brain, as I fought to fight its suffocation. There was no “love”, there was no “glory” – it was fear tactics and self-hatred instilled at an early age to keep me on the path the church felt was right for me. I refuse to be shamed for not changing my lifestyle and personality for the sake of something that might not even exist.
No one should be made to feel ashamed for what they believe or do not believe in, especially something as subjective and personal as their spirituality. Be proud of who you are, and be confident in what makes you happy. My spiritual plan, as of now, is just to ride the waves and keep my head above water, and keep my eyes toward the sky.
