Today was the first day that I have been to a traditional church service since May. While that may be highly offensive to people, I see it as any other learning environment. You can go to school to get an education, or you can independently study on your own. Arguably, the former has more of a focus on instant gratification while its counterpart deals with self-fulfillment through the acquisition of knowledge.

So the question remains; who is more learned? The man who was taught by others, or the man who sought to teach himself?

Throughout the past few months in which my usual seat in the center isle of pews in the eighth row has been empty, I have come to the conclusion that I do not like attending church as I always have. It is not due to the inevitable trepidation caused by the imminent realization of my transgressions, as so many would have placed upon those who do not attend church, but of the proposal that God, MY God, can and may be experienced beyond the confines of a building that is deemed appropriate for worship. Understanding that I am not using derogatory statements of misconceptions about the physical entity of the church is key to this piece; for what of love has a man of solitude ever learned? Providing a location in which those of like mind may gather, propagates further comprehension and appreciation for the written word, in which a singular person may have over looked or misread, i.e. Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man."

Instead I am focusing on the obstructions of learning and growing in a relationship with God caused by the church congregation as an entity. The social obligations placed upon those who go to church direct attention away from the real reason for attending church and emphasizes appeasing those concerned with the upholding of unspoken traditions. You must wear nice clothing, you must be in the church every time the doors are open, you must not fidget, cross your legs, or look anywhere but the podium during the entire service. You must be apart of a committee or group within the church to be seen as an active member and justify your right to occupy a space in the sanctuary on Sunday morning. The rules and expectations that the people belonging to the community have set in place make being apart of a church congregation a tedious and disquieting endeavor. Furthermore, the constraints are not limited to the individual. In my experience, that being regularly attending my church and visiting several churches, while also having a majority of my friends being apart of their respective churches, congregations use these social obligations to condone demeaning viewpoints and segregation based on that of race, ethnicity, sexuality and gender, save for traditionally known liberal christian denominations or churches who are labeled as nondenominational. The building of a church is to provide a place of worship for all believers of Christ, but the congregation has placed standards on the types of Christians allowed to worship in that specific area. If your skin is darker; there's a church two streets over. If you are a woman; you can come in, as long as you aren't trying to become a deacon or pastor. If you are in love with someone who happens to be the same gender as you; maybe try the Methodist church. These archaic stigmas are what non-Christians see when looking upon the church. They do not see a united front of people who are trying to show God's love, they see a fragmented group of people who's beliefs keep them from worshiping together and whether or not to condone a certain way to ruin the sanctity of marriage and not another (ahem *divorce*).

With that being said, I do not harbor a malicious sentiment towards those who I have been around in my home church, nor have I personally experienced any discrimination within the church. I am merely speaking of the American church as I have seen it from the perspective of my peers and myself. I enjoy those who have helped with my spiritual growth and look up to them as leaders in the community. I am indebted to them for the care of my eternal well being and am grateful that I had people in my life to look after me. But that does not change the fact that for the past two years or so, the social obligations attached to being a part of the church was more draining than it was uplifting. A common outlook on being a member of a church is that it "feels more like a chore than something I want to do." In my case, I can not say that it was far from that. At first I enjoyed being relied upon, but as time went on, the focus of doing something to glorify Gods name was shifted to finishing a task because it needed to be done. It was no longer doing a service in the name of God, but doing a service in the name of man, because after a time, it became what was expected of me.

My time away from the church has led me to realize that God manifest himself in ways and areas that are the least expected. One would say that the most obvious place for Gods omnipresence to be magnified would be in a church, and to some it might, but for me, I don't recall a time where I felt Gods presence while sitting down on a pew. I do not believe that one church is more holy than another and I do not believe that because there is a church building on a property that Gods presence is more saturated in that area. I have had more intimate interaction with God by realizing that I was doing nothing by going to church as I always have. I was doing nothing for anyone, including myself, and doing nothing to glorify His name. By choosing to leave the pew and actively peruse a deeper understanding of God, I have seen His work countless times in the most unsuspecting ways. I have seen Gods spirit in the eyes of a 55 year old man who has such severe cognitive disabilities that he has a vocabulary of maybe five words. I have felt God's presence in the hands of children who had never heard a bible bed time story and have probably never set foot inside a church before. I am constantly reminded of His majesty and magnitude with every mountain that I climb and every waterfall that I stand under. But by and by again, I did not find God, as so many of my mentors had said I would.

I did not find God, because God cannot be found. He is not a treasure chest that you can follow a map to. He and I are not playing a game of Marco Polo or Hide and Seek where I can just check behind a tree and the game is over. "Okay time to go home, I found God. It was a little tricky at first but I got him, don't worry." No. That is not how this works. You can not find God, because He is never gone. Deuteronomy 31:8 "...He will not leave you or forsake you." He is with you at all times.

It is your job to acknowledge Him in those times that you feel alone and to recognize that He is at work beneath the tangible level. You must make yourself vulnerable to be able to recognize his power. It will feel like a grand discovery, because in a way, it is. Its like staring unknowingly into a two way mirror when suddenly the mirror is lifted away. You realize that you have not been alone this entire time, there has been someone with you, from the beginning, just behind your line of vision.

I do not condemn the idea of organized religion. It has worked for centuries, and quite frankly I think a lot of people still today are benefiting from it, me included. Right now I am experiencing God away from the church but before this, I was being nurtured by my church family. I do not think that the people of the church have feigned their faith and I do not believe that they are inauthentic, though, I do think that as a body of believers we get too concerned with things that distract from what we are, that being Gods brothers and sisters in Christ, and what we are trying to accomplish as a body for Christ. I believe that if you need to step away from the traditional church to recenter your outlook and strengthen your relationship with God, then you need to do it, because for me, it has been one of the most eye-opening experiences in my walk with Christ. The key is not to seek God, or do good deeds to gain His company, but to understand that He is with you through it all, and no matter your position in life, He is there to help you through it. All you have to do is acknowledge him in his glory and "[He] will make a pathway through the wilderness" (Isaiah 43:19)

Thank you for sticking with me through this one and see you next week.