I recently just got out of the most toxic relationship I've ever been in. As much as I still love and care for my ex, I would never EVER be with them again. Yes, he made me happier than I had ever been in life - up until the end of the relationship that is. The constant fighting and put-downs should have been the least of my worries, but I didn't see the real problem until it was too late.
We had been together for almost three years, two of which we were engaged. Our lives and futures were completely committed to each other, and we even got pregnant and expected a child together. I wanted to be with him forever and he wanted to be with me, but sadly that all changed. Once we started fighting more, we stopped seeing each other as often as we used to. Instead of going on dates or laying on the couch snuggled up with him, I stayed in bed watching "Netflix" and eating way more chocolate than I should have. I assumed he was home watching TV or working on cars, since that's his hobby and something he's very good at, but I was wrong.
He wasn't at home watching TV or working on cars. He wasn't upset, he didn't get to see me that day or that his mean comments towards me are what kept me from seeing him. He didn't care that the disgusting pictures of women on the Internet he and his buddies sent to each other talking about what they would do to them made me so insecure. He was out at "games night" drinking and meeting new people. Sadly, one of the new people he met turned out to be more than a friend.
He got her number and they started texting and talking while we were still engaged. She would call him drunk in the middle of the night and he would pick up the phone. At the time this was happening, I had no idea. I was pregnant, working and in school. I didn't think twice that something like that was going on with the man I called my best friend and planned on spending my life with.
We broke up, eventually, and still were very close because I was expecting our child. Once I saw the horrible things he was saying about me to her and the things she said about me, I knew I was missing something. They called me psycho and mentally unstable. They both said awful things about me, and I had no idea who she even was. I begged and begged him to tell me what was going on and that they had been seeing each other for my closure.
Over and over again, he denied any involvement with her besides that they were just friends. So, we continued to see each other and be intimate up until our son was born, and for the first eight weeks after that, even though we were not dating. Then, he decided he wanted nothing to do with me or our child. Multiple things happen that led up to that, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, within weeks they were dating.
Not only are they together now, but they were seeing each other when I was still with him. Instead of hurting me by seeing her, I wish he would have left me to be with her. I still cannot understand why he saw us both to the same time and lied to me about it. I don't get why he still was intimate with me if he wanted to be with her. It hurts me so bad to know he wasn't interested in me and faked like he was. He wanted her, I was just sex or someone to hang out with. I think about it constantly, when I wake up, when I go to bed or even when I hear or see something that reminds me of him.
It's been over a month now since we've last communicated, and my heart still doesn't hurt any less. I constantly replay looking into his eyes when he lied to me and said nothing was going on between them. I always think about what I could've done differently and maybe he would still love me and we would be together. I struggle every day to handle how much it still kills me inside that he would do that to me.
I wish he would've left me as soon as he caught interest for her. I'm honestly glad he's happy with her and she can make happier than he was with me. I failed him as a life partner, but he failed me too. I'll never trust anyone fully. I won't date or see anyone for a very long time, or give myself to them. I don't want to commit to anyone anytime soon because I fear they'll be like him. Hurt like this is not something I can go through again. It physically hurts my heart and makes it hard to breathe. I haven't smiled in I don't know how long and don't know when I will again.
In conclusion, it's better to leave someone than cheat on them. Cheating causes your partner to blame your mistakes on themselves. When it is no one's fault but the person who cheats. Your partner may hurt and be heartbroken that you left them, but they aren't left feeling insecure and worthless. And they sure as hell won't be as afraid to love again.
