Recently, I have found myself thinking about all the things I am not. This is not a post about my insecurities, so don't worry (I got over those a long time ago).
Almost a year ago, I decided to move back home and attend a local community college. My decision was fueled by numerous things. These past few months have been a period of transition back into my old life, but also a period of growth, as I learn to live life differently as an adult (or halfway adult), with more freedom and responsibility. I'm still learning how to adjust with living in my hometown, but now without all the people that once also lived here with me. It is challenging, and sometimes slightly boring, but doable.
The part of having to learn to live without all of my old friends is the part that has brought me to discovering what I am not. Just last year, I could tell you who and what I was, and I guarantee you that most of my friends would have all said similar things as me. We didn't know who we were. We knew what we thought and what we believed, but we did not know how to define it. We did not know how to be something separate from our group as a whole.
I would say that most of the people I knew or knew of in high school are in the exact same situation as me. We are all just trying to figure out who we are. But the way I am having to figure it out, is a lot different from the majority of them. Most of my friends chose to attend a four year university. Some of them are members of fraternities and sororities. Some of them spend their time as part of special interest groups on their college campuses, such as the ecology club or a language club or an organization for people in their specific major. Some of them are writing for their school newspaper or have radio shows on their college radio stations. Some of them play sports for their university or in their schools intramural league. Some of them are involved or are running for student government or in groups associated with their political party of choice. Some of them are involved in ministries for their religion. Some of them have already secured internships with international non-profits, government organizations, or in politics. Some of them are planning on or are on the path to be a part of local, national, and international mission teams. All of these are ways that they are discovering themselves.
AND I AM DOING NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
What I am not is a regular college student. I am not the one joining multiple campus organizations. I am not running for student government, I am not hosting a radio show. And I am most definitely not playing a college sport. I have no desire to be the ultimate, number one guy anymore. I have no desire to be the student that is most involved on campus. I have no desire to make myself be someone that I am not.
It is true. A lot of the things I have listed that most people I know are doing right now will help them in the future. They are learning valuable skills and lessons, while forming bonds and friendships with people for life. They are stumbling upon opportunities that are far greater than what most people get and are enjoying themselves while doing it. I myself recently have had some great opportunities come up. But just like everything I have said, they were not for me.
What is for me is being comfortable, and being able to live in a way that I don't feel like I have compromised who I am. To do that, I have had to make many sacrifices. But there is nothing wrong with what I am doing. I am doing the same thing that everyone else I know is doing, but in a way that I think is much more challenging. I am having to live a different life, but in the same environment. I am having to discover myself, but with far greater limits.
My life is nothing like other college students. And you know what? It's fine. I am learning just the same as anyone else my age. I am where I need to be, where I am meant to be. I'm not missing out on anything by being where I am, and my college experience is for sure not inferior to anyone else's.
