My Peter Pan was an encouraging grin, a mischievous wink, even a bold taunt. Leading me to walk Captain Hook’s plank blindfolded just because the adventure would be worthwhile. I followed the lost boys; I tried to learn how to fly and spend the rest of my life with a child’s worries. We chased our dreams away and lived right in the moment. Neverland seemed more like home than anything else.
Peter left me the day my family and I were evicted from our apartment. His hands grasped to keep me afloat for a little longer but I fell crashing through reality and guilt kept me from running back. Neverland became a memory I made up and the world seemed so much bigger, and I felt that much more alone. I suddenly preferred Captain Hook’s threats to the truth I had to live. There was no magic here. No fairy tales, no pixie dust. There was sorrow. I saw it painted on my mother’s face every time we were rejected from a home. There was defeat. I saw it in my father’s eyes as he struggled to keep his family whole. As he struggled to keep his family at all. My brothers and I had to learn to take what we had and be okay again no matter the circumstances. I couldn't spend the rest of my life running from pirates in make-believe lands and playing treasure chest with make-believe friends. I had to force myself to leave it all behind but it doesn't mean I forgot.
We all have had our own Peter Pans, whether we still hold him close or have forgotten him as the time passed, is the question. I see him sometimes in my own reflection-- that same lopsided smile full of trouble and mystery. But I also see myself, different than who I was before. And he sees it too. He sees my burden. I know he doesn’t understand. His whole life has been playful and nothing but his own will and wants. Even that young, I knew Neverland wasn't forever. It wasn't going to wait for me and neither was my life. As much magic as I've seen with Peter, as much as he had taught me to let go...I had to hold onto at least a thread of the world that was waiting for me after this. So I’ve had to move on and turn my back on his games. I’ve had to grow up. And I had to learn to do so on my own, so I could be there for myself and my family when they need me.
But…I haven’t forgotten you Peter. Somewhere deep inside is the little girl you knew so well. She’s always there when I remember you. And I can promise that I will never dim her light. She will live within me and glow as softly as Tinkerbell did in the darkest times.
Don’t you ever grow up Peter. Keep us all young inside.
