for · give (verb)
stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake
Forgiveness is something I have always struggled with. It's easier and more comfortable to stay in the stage of hurting and being mad at someone for something they did. And you have every right to feel hurt and be mad. Forgiveness, to me, was scary and dark. I felt like a mountain climber standing at the bottom of Mount Everest, craning her neck all the way back and still not being able to see the top. These past few months I've learned a lot about forgiveness. I can promise you it isn't as big and scary as you think.
Forgiving is not letting the other person win.
I hold onto memories that hurt me. I avoid people who hurt me in the past, even if that means staying in my dorm room all night instead of going out. In my mind, if I forgive someone I'm saying, "What you did to me is okay, and you can do it again." That isn't what forgiveness is. Forgiving is acknowledging what the person did was wrong but then moving on. It frees you from thinking about the memories all of the time and feeling hurt; it frees you from staying in just to avoid seeing an ex-boyfriend; it frees you from the past and lets you grow into the future.
It's just as important to forgive yourself as it is to forgive others.
Everyone makes mistakes, including you. You do things you aren't proud of, you treat people poorly, and you make bad judgement calls. It's a part of being human. It's normal to feel awful about the mistakes you've made, especially the big ones. But there comes a point where you can't beat yourself up over it anymore. Laying in bed in the middle of the night, wide awake, just replaying in your head over and over the mistake you made and wishing you could go back in time to fix it isn't healthy. You made a mistake. Apologize when you can and move on. This mistake does not define you unless you let it. Forgive yourself and be better next time.
Forgiveness is hard work. You don't wake up one morning and decide to forgive someone. It's a process.
Whether you're forgiving yourself or someone else, it isn't easy. It's a choice you have to make every day. There will be days when it seems easy, but then there will be days that it seems impossible. Sometimes I would get mad at myself because I felt like I couldn't forgive either someone else or myself which would just bring more hurt and being further away from the end goal. But that's the thing: forgiveness is the end goal. Don't focus on how much more you have to go, focus on moving one step at a time. If you're feeling discouraged, look back and see how far you've come.
