I received permission from Riley’s family to write this and include the information that I did.
In some of my previous articles I mentioned that I went through a breakup recently. I never really wrote about it because while I was heartbroken, I remained very close with this person (both of us strong believers that loving someone is forever, no matter how the relationship changes). Not even three months after our breakup did I truly lose a person I love.
On July 30, I received a call from a friend of my ex – he had never showed up at his friend’s house in Seattle after what was supposed to be a one-night camping trip. I called his family and 911 and began the process of trying to find my ex and closest friend, Riley. He was in the Jefferson Wilderness and after seven days of scouring, using every possible man and resource Marion County had, the official search was called off due to lack of resources. I was able to go up to Detroit, OR to bring his brother from the airport and was with the crews and family and saw the huge effort going out to find this beautiful human. The family continued the search on their own: his brother and friends were the people who always went backpacking with Riley and they tried to use their intuition and knowledge of his camping habits to try and find him. An independent search and rescue pilot offered his service and they narrowed down an area that he could be in, he was at this point presumed dead. A snowstorm hit the mountainside and crews were unable to continue searching and the heartbroken family returned home. It’s been almost 4 weeks since Riley set out for his trip and while some hold out hope that he has survived this long, a lot of people, including myself and his family, are trying to learn to cope with the grief of this amazing light being extinguished.
I will not be answering questions about the exact details of the search and rescue efforts please refer here, here, here and here for more information.
This absolute tragedy has taken me away from my writing, from my jobs, from most of life and I know that I am not alone. Whatever your relation to the person who was lost, grief affects us all. No amount of self-help posts, articles, and books can fully help anyone but as I move through my own stages of grief, I wanted to attempt to offer help to those looking for something in a perilous time.
In the wake of tragedy people tend towards needing three things: time, space and comfort. Time is the most elusive of factors in healing but the most important. For each person, the time will be different and there is no equation to plug in the amount of time or connection you had to find out how long something will hurt. For many of us the pain will dull on forever but we’re searching for some instantaneous relief to the immense pain in our hearts. For time, there is nothing to recommend other than listening to yourself. Be conscious of where you are in your process and respect that and do not try and rush yourself to feel better for any numerous reasons (just wanting to get over it, in an attempt to help others, etc.).
Space and comfort are in a constant fight during a period of grief. And figuring out which is needed when is a lot of listening to yourself and, to use some of Riley’s favorite words, being honest with yourself.
As with anything in this process, space is a very personal thing. I am someone who meditates and lights candles and tries to get out any words onto a page when I ask for space. Other people throw themselves into work and projects. Others try to keep their minds off their own grief by trying to be at the service and aid of others experiencing the loss (or, surprise! All three). Obviously this is a very limited list but again, the main point in all of this is to listen to yourself and your body and mind to find what you need. (And if you tend towards self-destructive behaviors, this really helped me find distractions (it's not all self-harm specific) and might be of use to you as well, also see the end of the article for hotlines and chat lines to help if crisis occurs.)
Comfort, in my opinion, should be sought in many ways. Close friends allow for a shoulder to cry on, hugs, someone who can really listen and ice cream runs, all of which are essential to the healing process. Community allows for those grieving a way to gain potential close friends but also to realize that the support that they have extends past one person. Another great source of comfort and a true help can be seeking out professional mental health services. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist and have been more than grateful to these folks during this time. It’s an allotted amount of time to really dig into what you’re feeling or talk about this person with someone who will only listen and try to guide you through your grief. While a lot of days I wanted to lock myself up and not face people (which is cool and totally understandable) I found that seeking out comfort in multiple ways is really the only thing that allow me to get through different parts of my grief that I can’t shoulder alone.
Grief is a warped process and everyone will move through it needing different things, as each person not only had their own relationship to the person they lost, but they also have different mental health needs. Don’t rush others or yourself through this process. And while I write this to try and help people understand what they may need in this time, it’s all about being honest with yourself and allowing yourself the time to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.
As for everyone who knew Riley: he was a beautiful light of a soul and he touched so many hearts in his short time and that is something that will never fade. While the world is a little dimmer right now, we can still see Riley’s light all around us. And we can take comfort that he perished in the only place that would have been fit, out in the woods. He’s truly among the wildflowers.
Hotlines:
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Crisis Chat: http://www.crisischat.org/
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
