"Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself."
—Bianca Sparacino

I am supposed to be studying for a huge midterm I have tomorrow, but I just had to get my thoughts down so I could maybe concentrate on my school work later (well, that's the hope).

The other night I was up at 2:00 am, crying and laughing with my best friend over the phone who is just shy of six hours from me in New Orleans. We talk pretty often via text message, but phone calls are always difficult to wedge in with our crazy schedules. On a whim, I decided to call her and see if she would answer. Her ears must of been burning because I was in bad shape and she answered almost immediately asking me, "what's wrong?"

I could hardly get the words out, so for the first two minutes of our phone conversation she just listened to me cry and sniffle. All she did was reassure me that everything was going to be ok, and waited patiently for me to talk.

I let everything bad pile up and make a home in my heart until I literally can't take it anymore. The best way I can describe what happens to me when I get this way is like when you're playing Jenga; you know the block game that you keep taking pieces and pieces until the tower comes crumbling down? The block pieces symbolize me and sometimes, it feels like I have been robbed of a foundation to stand straight up; and when the tower comes crashing down, I have a panic attack which usually looks like a crying fit with heavy and short breaths. I know comparing myself to a silly and rather fun game is a little rudimentary but I recently played the game with my roommates and after thinking about it for awhile- I realized how similar in action I am to it.

And like the game, when the tower of blocks falls apart, it really sucks having to carefully re-stack the tower in order to go through the same motions of pulling at the pieces over and over again.

I am so very tired of putting myself back together.

I really do like to think I am a happy person, but I am very bad at hiding my emotions- especially around the people I love the most (like my friends and family).

I read a blog post recently on Tumblr that a friend wrote. She stated this:

"Others [other people] don’t want to wait around for you to get better, they just want the wholesome, happy you. And that isn’t fair, and I won’t accept it." -suhlah.tumblr.com

I feel like sometimes I am being so stretched thin that I could break at any second. I am always there for others when they need me, and for a long time, no one was there for me. I get sad and lonely and scared. I can't be wholesome and happy all the time. I explain this to every new person that wants to enter my life, but I have learned over the years that people's promises to accept that about me are empty; And the people who said they would always stay, left and it made the heartache I was already feeling so much worse and unbearable. And so for almost two years, I just kept to myself- not really letting anyone in except for my boyfriend at the time because I was afraid of disappointment.

Because people are disappointing, and that was a hard thing to accept.

I don't like to factor that into the equation whenever I do open up to other people, because it is still my belief (no matter how many times I burn myself) that everyone is born basically good.

I know we all are a little selfish, that's human nature. But I guess, it's not really natural for me to just take from people. I am not saying I am perfect, because I most certainly am not... I have taken from other people and taken advantage of others. But the few times I have done that, I am always left feeling icky and empty inside. I believe in the Kantian Theory of not using people as a mere means (philosophy by Emmanuel Kant), which is just another way of saying it's not right to use people to your own advantage and failing to not take the other person and their feelings into account. That's a very simplistic way of looking at Kant's theory, but that's the best way I can explain it in this context.

Last year was a roller coaster for me. I just woke up one day and decided, I didn't like who I was trying to be anymore. But, I didn't really have a set direction of where I was going from there. I just leaped into in the unknown and made a lot of stupid, but life changing mistakes along the way (good ones for the most part). I sort of had a very naive and simplistic outlook on the way the world works. And like I mentioned before, I wanted to believe so badly that everyone is good. Well, you would think I'd learn after burning myself ten times over... But I still touch the stove top in hopes THIS time, I won't get into trouble. Well, I can finally say I think I am starting to learn.

I really do have the best people around me that encourage me to keep pushing forward. And I can't thank those people enough... But it's my turn now to encourage myself.

2015 was the year I leaped and crashed into a brick wall (metaphorically speaking of course). Damn, did it hurt. And at that point, all I could do was let it hurt and still have the courage after I healed to pick myself up again and keep trekking on.

I am so tired of explaining myself and apologizing to the people around me for trying to discover myself. I explained this to my best friend and she told me I needed to stop feeling like I had to apologize. No one deserves an explanation. I just have to do what's best for me and sometimes, people get hurt along the way. It's impossible to protect everyone's feelings. But, I am a people pleaser so this concept is hard for my brain to register. It's the way I am wired, and now it's like I am sitting in the middle of my life displayed before me without a manual. I keep trying to put things together that don't fit and it gets exhausting because I don't know where everything is supposed to go or what the right answer is.

2016 is the year I am making it about me. I am tired. SO tired.

I don't want to worry about everyone else all the time. I want to do what makes me the happiest. I am so excited about my future because I know what I want as far as a career goes and it's really starting to come together. Now, I just really need to get my personal life in order. The scary question that looms over me is, can I really have it all? I yearn for that reassurance a lot. Another dear friend of mine told me that it's possible. You just have to learn how to accept the things you can't change and put what it is you want and need in front of you.

Well, I am trying this out now. I am putting what others want from me aside, because it's not fair that I have to worry about what other people want and need and put myself on hold. I won't accept that anymore. My feelings are importanttoo.

When you walk into my bathroom now, you will see a plethora of sticky notes on my mirror and walls. They are encouraging words I leave up for myself when I get down. So, when I look in the mirror I have reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Because, in the end it will be ok. I am a good person, I am smart, and kind, and beautiful (inside and out). Sometimes, we need a little reminder of those things- and we can't depend on people to tell us these things all the time, we have to make ourselves understand these things too.

I know I am all of these wonderful things.

Sometimes it feels like I have hit rock bottom and all the encouraging words in the world from the people around me aren't going to make me believe it. I have to believe these things too.

And for the first time in a long time I am starting to.

I have a habit of not dealing with the bad things in front of me, so I squirrel my issues away. I hide them and usually I do that in another person. A relationship for instance... I have never given myself enough time to heal from all the crap I have had to go through. So, I suffer in silence and the people around me can see it but I keep it to myself because I don't want people to see the ugly parts of me.

I can't be bubbly and energetic all the time. I know this now, but it sucks it took me 21 years to realize I don't always have to put up a show for everyone. But I know I have a long life ahead of me, so there is still a lot to learn. There is a lot I need to learn about myself.

When I was talking to my best friend over the phone, I kept bringing up the past and romanticizing about what I used to be like. But the truth was, I wasn't really happy with that person back then either. She told me that we all change and thank God because just three years have passed since we had entered the adult-college world, and the people we used to be don't even compare to the better people we are now. She told me it's good that I am trying to figure myself out and not settling for less, because that's what you are supposed to do, figure yourself out and what it is you want. Or else how would we grow? It makes a lot more sense coming from your best friend who is basically like your sister... The encouraging words are reassurance I am not just being a turd and I am doing the right thing.

I am at peace knowing that I have a lot of time to figure out who it is I am. For some reason I thought I had to give myself a limited time frame, but oh my gosh! I am so young! There is plenty of time, and I don't want to try and mold myself into something I am not. Or mold myself into the person everyone wants me to be.

I know I have to be alone on this journey. I can't ask anyone to help me figure this shit out with me. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am learning so much on this independent adventure. The world is scary but I won't allow myself to be discouraged! Especially about the things I can't predict. All anyone can do is try their best.

One day I know I will wake up and it won't all hurt so much anymore. We are only human and sometimes my emotions get the best of me (well, a lot actually), but one can only go up from here.

I am facing my demons head on and I will continue to learn and grow in the midst of the remaining life I have on this Earth.

This fact brings me peace because now I know I'm heading in the right, and brightly lit path in front of me.

Cheers to the old me // but thank God for the new me <3