With school right around the corner and move-in day getting closer and closer, that can only mean one thing: packing. And if you're anything like me, packing can be the bane of your existence. It's not that the actual packing my things part bothers me, because that's not so bad; it's the deciding what to pack part that gets to me. You see, I am incredibly indecisive and a bit of a hoarder...both of which do not a good packer make. No, instead they make someone who can spend hours upon hours just deciding which t-shirts she should take to school with her. And then she'll still bring way more than she could ever possibly wear anyway. Of course, it doesn't help when you have amassed between 70 and 80 t-shirts over the years.
This type of behavior is what has inspired this week's article. The reason I have almost 80 t-shirts is that I am afraid to, or just plain can't, let go. It doesn't stop at clothes either. My inability to let go also applies to my holding on of grudges, anger, the past--all that jazz. But I have decided this summer that things need to change. Not only is it unhealthy for me to hold on to these things, it also takes up all the space in my room, and more specifically, my closet. If I ever truly want to move on and move forward with my life, I need to learn that it is okay to let go of things sometimes. It doesn't make you weak, inconsiderate, ungrateful, or a quitter; it just means you are clearing out space in your life for newer and better things. Tackling this issue isn't going to be easy, though, and it will take some time. After spending years of never getting rid of hardly anything, I can't just throw it all away in one fell swoop. Which is why I've started this slow process with a baby step: my clothes.
Nothing will remind you of how much clothes you have like packing does. When you can only bring a limited amount of stuff with you, you're forced to choose only what you think you will actually wear. If you're me, this is an extremely long and tedious process. Even if I haven't worn something in months and may never wear it again for everyday purposes, I always think of the what-ifs. What if I decide I really want to wear this some day and I don't have it with me? What if there's a costume party/event that this piece would be perfect for? The list is endless. So in order to feel more prepared, I end up over-packing for everything with clothes I may never actually wear in the end. This doesn't solely apply to packing either. Whenever I feel like I have too much clothes (or stuff in general) and decide to narrow it down, I never can.
I think that can be chalked up to a couple different reasons. I believe the real reason that I can't let go of things is because I feel wasteful. If something still fits me, which most of the shirts I've owned since junior high do (as a result of never hitting a growth spurt), it doesn't seem right to get rid of it. I don't like feeling like I wasted someone else's or my own money by getting rid of something that I could technically still wear or use, especially if it's something that I haven't worn or used all that much to begin with. And don't even get me started with how hard it is to let go of things that hold special memories or meaning to me, because that is nearly impossible. I like keeping those things specifically to remind me of those memories or people, so getting rid of them feels disrespectful and wrong.
But now on to the more serious side of this problem. I mentioned before that I have a difficult time letting go of the anger, grudges, the past too. There are certain grudges I still hold against people from all the way back in grade school. It doesn't make any sense and it's completely irrational, but I do. Holding in all of that anger and resentment only serves to weigh me down though. It has no effect whatsoever on the people I am angry with, so why bother hurting myself like that? I actually have a couple of theories to explain why I continue to do this.
The first is that I never received any real closure or explanation for why things happened or why someone did what they did. Without that closure, I begin to overthink and question things and start putting the blame on myself, like I did something wrong to make said person do whatever they did. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle of self-doubt and negativity that may never end without that much-needed closure.
The second theory I acquired from a TV show I used to watch called Life Unexpected. During a talk with her daughter, one of the characters realizes that the reason she holds on to her feelings about the past and keeps punishing the guy who is responsible, is because she doesn't feel better about what happened yet. And until she feels better about it, she doesn't want him to feel better either. This moment was one that I, and I'm sure others, could profoundly relate to. There are a lot of situations in my past that didn't go the way I wanted them to that I still hold on to today because I don't feel better about them yet. Until I do start to move on and learn to accept what happened, I'll never be able to let go like I oh so desperately need to do.
It's all just up to me, because no one else can fix the things I hold on to for me. The past is the past. There's nothing I or anyone else for that matter can do to change it. The best I can do--the best we all can do--is make peace with it and move on with our lives. Yes, it will be hard, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth it.
After all, look how much better Elsa's life was after she decided to "let it go."
