I have always been told that college teaches you a lot about who you are. It is the place where most people find themselves. I think about who I was when I came to university and who I am now and, to be completely honest with myself, I never thought I would end up the way I am today. Being an Indian-American, I’ve always felt like I was stuck between two cultures. For a long time, I was ashamed of being Indian. I always wondered why I was so dark compared to my Caucasian friends. I wondered why I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts. I wondered why my friends could play outside past six o’clock and I couldn’t. Up until my sophomore year in high school, I went to a school where I was one of about three Indian-Americans. Because I was the youngest and the only Indian-American girl, I felt like no one truly understood what I was trying to balance in my life.
The restrictions placed upon Indian women is different than the restrictions placed upon Indian men. Women tend to be more sheltered and have to obey more rules and restrictions whereas men are seen as more responsible, thus giving them more freedom. For a long time, I rebelled against all of those ideas. I remember wearing shorts under sweatpants in the middle of May and running into the bathroom to take off the sweatpants. I felt so liberated and free and I thought that my parents were foolish for restricting my wardrobe. Dating was also frowned upon in my family, but I did not let that stop me. Through all of this rebellion, I pushed my ethnicity and customs away. I did not want to be associated with them at all. I felt lost.
It was not until I came to college that I started accepting who I am. I was welcomed into a vast Indian-American community, and even though I refused to be associated with this community for about a year, two of my friends pushed me to become involved. These two friends, who are also Indian-American, truly understood the way I felt. For the first time, I stopped feeling alone. I found a community that understood the struggle of balancing American traditions with Indian customs. I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone and attending meetings with this community. I participated in cultural shows and attended dance competitions. I created so many new friendships within this community and I have never felt such a sense of home at college. I felt like the people I met truly understood aspects in my life that I never had people understand before. It was a new sense of comfort that I cannot even begin to put into words.
I cannot truthfully sit here and say that I am completely accepting of myself and my origins. But what I can say is that I am not ashamed anymore.
