As a kid, I thought my parents were together. We lived under the same roof, celebrated holidays together, and I didn't witness any fighting in front of me, luckily. All I remember was that around second grade, my mom, sister and I moved to an apartment on the other side of town. It didn't make sense to me, because I would still see my parents hang around one another. They'd come together to my Christmas concerts, and we would still go out and eat together. As I got older, I learned that my dad and mom weren't married in the first place. They weren't in a loving marriage that I imagined them to be in.
Not seeing my dad every day was hard on my part, and it wasn't easy for either of my parents to raise us basically as single parents. Going into my high school years, I moved in with my dad while my sister stayed with mom for the most part, and I began unraveling why my parents couldn't be together. Even as a college student, it's still confusing on both their parts as to why it didn't work out for the better.
They still tell me that I'm not mature enough to understand their personal matters, which I respect, but this mess of going back and forth between houses, and having to explain the situation to close friends really did take a toll on me. I grew up in a household not knowing what a true healthy relationship was like, and I was convinced that true love wasn't a thing, that I myself wasn't capable of finding someone who was going to love me and only me for the rest of my life.
I know that I'm only in my early twenties and I'm not supposed to be worrying about who I'm going to end up at such a young age, but I just wish I had a relationship to look up to when I was growing up. My dad is by far still the greatest man I know, and same goes for my mom, but for one reason or another, they couldn't be happy together. What was even harder for me to witness was that I could tell that neither of them were as happy as they could be.
I'm not saying that they needed someone to be with in order for them to be happy, but it sucks to have your parents grow older and essentially alone, especially when the kids are out of the house with no signs of any grandkids coming soon. It was so hard for me to accept that my parents weren't together, to the point I would cry for hours begging them to be together so I could have a "normal" family, but now I realize that was selfish of me.
My parents not being together was for the better, and I knew that they loved me and my sister so much that they didn't want us living in an environment of fighting and tension, even if it was behind closed doors. Sure, the holidays are rough, and I find myself feeling torn because I constantly feel like I'm picking sides or choosing favorites.
But if there's one thing that has come from my parents not being together, is that I learned how to become more independent. Sometimes this isn't the best because I tend to show my emotions less than I should, which is something I'm really trying to work on, and it's hard for me to ask for help when I really do need it. However, I learned that I shouldn't depend on anyone or anything on my happiness.
Maybe my parents aren't as happy as they could be, and I pray to God that both of them find someone in their life who values them as much as I do. At the same time, I need to realize that I am going to find someone, and that true love does exist, regardless of what is perceived in this divorce/hook-up culture. Maybe I don't have the family portrait on the living room wall like everyone else. Even though my parents aren't together, they both share the commonality that they have loving children, and absolutely nothing can break that bond.
