One of my biggest fears has always been caring about someone more than the care about me. Whether it be a relationship or a friendship. Nobody wants to feel like a relationship is one sided. It's a really crappy feeling.

I like to consider myself a pretty happy person. I like being happy and I like making other people happy. I have been told that I am a big ray of sunshine (lol). I hate confrontation. I feel like a lot of people are like that, but I truly hate it. I would suffer before arguing.

AND I HATE THAT ABOUT MYSELF!

I pick and choose my battles, but sometimes the battles that I need to fight, I disregard. I wish I could get ratchet and not be afraid to call someone out on their BS. I just don't have that in me, I guess. My mom and sister said that I'll grow to stand up for myself. I want to believe them but I don't know.

People often take my kindness for weakness. Some feel like that can treat and talk to me any kind of way, which I don't appreciate. If I say half of the things that they say to me, someone's feelings would get real hurt.

I guess this bothers me more because I was getting this type of treatment from people who I used to consider my friends.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am can be pretty weird. Not like a bad type of weird, but weird in that I love to sing and dance at random times, even though I'm really not good at it. It's my way of having fun. I also have a quirky sense of humor, one that not many people may not understand. I've come to love this about myself and I have learned to just laugh at myself. Life is too short to be so serious all the time.

But I get it, my personality may not be for everybody. I know that everybody is not going to like me. However, I didn't expect to receive judgment from my "friends." I have always had the personality that I have, and I always knew that there were going to be people snickered or looked at me like I was an idiot. But I knew that my friends would never judge me. That's why we were friends. I am around different people now that I am in college, so it has taken a bit of time to find people who I am completely comfortable around.

I don't like cliques, but I find that I am more comfortable when I am part of one. I know that's a contradiction but that is just how I am. When I found my clique here at school, I latched on to them. We were pretty much always together. We joined the same organizations together and went almost everywhere together. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I also knew in the back of my head that I needed to meet different people. Not because they're bad people but because I felt like I was losing my individuality. I felt like I was clinging to them and I was not doing anything by myself. If they didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it either, even if I really wanted to.

My mom told me from the beginning of the school year to branch out and meet other people. She said cliques are dangerous and that it is very "high school." I knew that she was right but because I am a very shy person, I chose to just stay around the same people who I was comfortable around.

Being with them was fun. We were always laughing and doing stupid, but there were many times when I felt like I was the outcast among them. If I were to suggest something, they were quick to shoot it done. If I were to show them a funny video, they would roll their eyes and say it's not funny. If I were to sing or dance or do whatever, they would look at me and say to stop. But what was funny about all of this is that when they do the exact same thing as me it was considered funny and acceptable. *rolls eyes*

I would talk to my best friend (who attends a different college) about my situation and they would basically say the same thing that my mom said, MEET NEW FRIENDS. Of course, me being hardheaded I still didn't listen to them.

I found myself censoring myself when I was around them because I knew I was going to face some kind of judgment.

It wasn't fun anymore. If I can't be myself around someone, then are they really my friend? If I have friends who are going to judge me and make me feel bad about myself then who needs enemies?

I prayed about the situation and asked God to help me to be strong enough to be by myself and to bring friends in my life who will accept and love me for me.

Are they horrible people? Of course not, far from it actually. However, they're not the types of friends that are right for me and my personality. I don't hate them or dislike them either. Some of the things that they did hurt me, but I am not resentful.

So I guess the point of this post is to not settle for a toxic relationship/friendship. No matter how comfortable and familiar it is, you are going to end up getting hurt if you stay. Trust me, I did.

Thankfully, God has placed two amazing girls in my life who I love dearly. I only wish that we could have been friends for the entire year but I am so excited to begin our sophomore year together.

However, It is also totally fine to just be by yourself. Be your own best friend. That is what I am currently learning to do because, at the end of the day, you're going to have to be your biggest cheerleader. (: