Saying "no" was not something that I was ever taught to say. I was always taught to help others and make myself available, but I was never taught to help others while putting myself first. Since being at a university, I have learned that this can inevitably become a problem. I have found myself time and time again making myself over available to help others but never taking the time to help myself.
Last year, at work there were a lot of coworkers who would call out of shifts the night of that I would end up taking. I realized that I was the person to contact when people wanted to get out of a shift. This was not a problem because I was making the money, but whenever I needed them to take a shift for me, every single one would say no. I was not calling off to go to a party. My aunt was sick and dying and I needed to go home. They knew this, but every excuse was "I have homework" or "I am hanging out with friends". It was at this point that I realized that I needed to start saying "no" to people and "yes" to myself.
Lately, I have come to realize that I am not the only one who experiences this. A lot of us put others before ourselves. Think about it. Have you ever found yourself bogged down with task after task always willing to help someone, as if habitual and not even intentional? Yeah, I know, me too.
I am not saying it is a bad thing to be able and willing to help others. I'm saying help yourself to be able to help others. It is of no benefit to anyone if you constantly weighing yourself down with your stuff and someone else's. We all obviously have homework for classes that have to get done, meetings for organizations to attend, and whatever else life throws our way. Somewhere in that mix has to be time for yourself and often times that is taken away because you have overextended yourself to be able to help others. I know because I do it all the time.
Whether it be that I take a shift for a coworker when I know I wanted to see a friend or needed some rest, but instead, I convince myself I am making someone else happy. And yes I am and that's not a problem. It becomes a problem when you are always making someone happy and forgetting to make yourself happy. Forgetting to take time for yourself and ask for help for yourself.
How do you start saying no? Practice. Last year, after I came back to campus I had another coworker as for me to take a shift for them. Have any clues what I said? No, I said no. Not out of spite but I was grieving and I needed to be home in my dorm. You have to learn how to judge whether putting yourself or that person is more important. Granted, you may not have lost a family member but we all have homework, test, and projects that need to get done. And maybe you do have the time but honestly just need some rest, say no.
Let me be clear, I am not saying be like my coworkers last year. I am saying have some self-judgment and put yourself first sometimes. Being able to say "no" is going to take awhile. Take some time to learn how to say "no" and "yes" to yourself
