Everyone knows that the world waits for no one. One minute, you could be playing with your friends on the playground and the next you could be thrown into the world in the hopes that you'll survive. I can't begin to explain how 10 years happens in 10 seconds, and for some, it doesn't. Others, however, may find themselves wondering when they made the shift from a young adult to an actual adult. When did this transition happen and why? The answer is unclear.
This is a common feeling that many people have at some point in their life. It's this questioning of time and what we want to do with it that leads people to be motivated. When you realize assignments that seemed forever away are due in a week, you kick it into high gear and crank out something to turn in. At least, that's what some people do.
If you are fortunate enough to not have depression, you may never truly understand what it's like for the rest of us. We would love to be able to get out of bed in the morning excited for the day, but getting out of bed is really hard when it's the only place you feel comfortable. Most people experience days like that but manage to persevere. Others deal with this struggle every day until the end of time, constantly battling the desire to be successful and the urge to fall apart. So, if you've managed to make it through this incredibly long introduction, allow me to explain the hell that is being a depressed college student (or an adult with responsibilities)
The alarm may be set for 7:30 a.m., but if I get out of bed before noon it is a good day. I know I have things to do and commitments to follow through with, but it seems counterproductive to complete tasks when you know they would be better if you weren't depressed. Sometimes I go to class. Sometimes I don't. It depends on whether or not it's a good mental health day. On the good days, I feel like I am on top of the world and can conquer anything that crosses my path. On the bad days, I wonder why I signed myself up for so much stress. I question whether I actually belong where I am or if I'm a fraud for giving the impression that I can do anything. I can do anything, I just have to work twice as hard as everyone else to break even.
I cancel 90% of the plans I make because they are scheduled on good days but are set to occur on bad days. I procrastinate most of my assignments until I reach a day where I have the energy to complete them. Sometimes those days don't come and, as a result, I produce work that hinders me from being successful. This, in turn, causes stress, which fuels my depression. It's a vicious cycle of constantly waiting for the day when my ship comes in, then realizing that my ship has wrecked and I'm on it. Sinking.
Attitude plays a huge role in whether it will be a good or bad mental health day. If I wake up prepared for the day, I can attempt to guide it towards being successful and productive. If I wake up feeling like the world is against me, I might as well go back to bed. It occurs on a day-to-day basis. There are some days that start off bad and then end up good, and there are definitely days that start off good and end in tragedy.
So, what's the point of all of this?
We are people that naturally strive to be successful. We are constantly changing and adjusting to become better than we were. So, to the people in my life that might not understand (professors, friends, family, employers, classmates): we are not neglecting our responsibilities or relying on depression to excuse our commitments. We are trying.
On the good days, believe me when I say I will give you everything I possibly can. On the bad days, all I ask is that you try to do the same for me.
