As an assignment, our theatre class spent an entire hour examining each others' body language and patterns. It became apparent to me, after many comments and questions on my behaviors, that I am a walking embodiment of everything I've been through. After my attention was drawn to particular habits, I began to connect the dots. What causes me to do this? What emotions am I expressing to others? Are the emotions I'm expressing what I'm truly feeling?
I don't feel anxiety-ridden, but I now realize that most of my expressions reveal underlying anxiety. What happened in the past that still finds its way to effect my daily patterns? More often than not, most of the causes for my simple patterns are due to minor disturbances from my past. Not to belittle the causes, but more so to explain that what I thought were long gone memories, are still somehow effecting me.
My body is revealing to me just how much even the smallest events from my past are currently triggering me.
He may not be staring down my shirt or trying to grab my breasts anymore, but I still sit forward with my arms covering my chest as much as possible. When I make my way down the staircase at school, I still clench my books to my chest to prevent the up and down bounce of my breasts.
She may not be physically following me anymore, but I still peek over my shoulder repeatedly. I still close my blinds when I get (un)dressed and sleep. I still check my rearview mirrors every mile or so, to see if I recognize her car. I still remain on the phone with a friend when walking to or from my car alone.
They might not be plotting and following through with throwing food at me in the cafeteria anymore, but I still wonder what surrounding tables are thinking of me. I still feel the peaches that soaked my clothes, and I still hear the laughter that spread throughout the cafeteria. I still feel like any cafeteria is more like a battlefield than a break.
He may not be here anymore, but whenever I see someone with a similar face I try my hardest to not cry. There's no chance that he's gone away on a trip, and that we'll by chance cross paths again. He is gone forever. I feel the leap in my heart when a face reminds me of his, and I feel the break when I come to the realization that it will never be him.
He may not be pressuring me to cross personal boundaries anymore, but I still hear him begging. I cringe when I hear sexual jokes. I cringe whenever a boy tries to flirt with me in an inappropriate manner. I roll my eyes more than I am aware of. I come across as a bitch to most guys, simply because I dismiss them at the smallest insight to their intentions. I cover myself more than I should have to, due to being surrounded by the immature wandering eyes. I flinch whenever someone bumps into me, as if another unwanted hand.
No matter how I am physically and emotionally feeling, my automatic response is laughter. Additionally, my hands and knees tremble. I grow closed-in. I quiet down. I attempt to take up as minimal room as possible. I put all excess energy into continuing to smile or laugh.
During the class assignment, I was partnered with a boy who I've had an awkward experience with. He looked me in the eyes and said, "If I didn't know you better- that you're extremely uncomfortable- I would assume you're having a good time."
I am reevaluating my patterns as I notice them, and most importantly, along the way I am reminding myself that none of this is my fault. My emotions and reactions are valid, and I don't anyone an explanation. Those I love are understanding, and due to prompting my personal growth, they are unintentionally making this process of self-evaluation much easier. I'll never forget all that I have been through, but indeed, their unneeded effects shall fade.
