There are hundreds of moments in our lives. Moments where time stops. It could be on the greatest day of your life or on the worst. For me, one of those moments was the day you died. No matter how hard I try I can't forget even the smallest detail about that day. The thing that hits me hardest sometimes is I can't change what happened.
September is National Suicide Awareness month. With this platform comes encouragement for those fighting their demons and places, people and numbers they can reach out to. For me, this month brings on a new wave of guilt and pain. It's hard because while I have never been suicidal, your suicide impacted me more deeply than maybe any other event in my life.
I prided myself on being a good friend. I thought that I could protect everyone. I thought that you of all people would know that when life got hard you could turn to me.
But you didn't.
You didn't turn to me. I couldn't fix your problem because by the time I found out it was too late. You were gone and there was no way to get you back. Confusion, I feel, is a typical first response. I poured over our text messages, I listened to voicemails and stalked your Facebook page, searching for a clue to answer the question of why. There wasn't an answer.
Confusion turned to guilt. It doesn't really matter how many times someone says, "It wasn't your fault." I know it wasn't but there is still the questions that haunt you through it all. "Why?" "What could I have done?" "Could I have changed your mind?" They are questions without answers. So you let the guilt fill you up.
Then for a short while, I became angry. "How could you?" was the new question. How could you do this to your family, to your friends, to me? What gave you the right to just choose to kill yourself? What problem was so drastically awful that you felt the only solution was suicide? The anger brought on a new wave of guilt, because who can hate someone who hated themselves enough to die?
I went through the stages of grief, and in the end, I came out a new person. More aware of my words, and more aware of how my actions affect others. I miss you and that huge smile every single day. Some of the questions still nag at me to this day, but I'll get those answers someday. If I could tell you one more thing it would be that I love you, and you didn't have any idea how many people did too. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed a friend. I'm sorry you left, with so much untapped potential. Everyday I grieve for the fact you didn't get to grow up. I'm sorry I didn't know how to help you. I'm sorry that you aren't still here. I'm sorry I didn't see the signs. I'm sorry I didn't know how to save your life.
If you have ever had suicidal thoughts. Reach out and get help. You are loved more than you know and you are stronger than you believe.
National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
