You know how, sometimes you know something is bad for you, but you do it anyway? You know you shouldn’t finish the pint of ice cream, but you do it anyway. You know you shouldn’t stay up until two a.m. if you have an eight a.m. class, but you do it anyway. You know he’s only going to break your heart, but you let him do it anyway. And, after it’s all over, you’re left picking up the pieces of the mess he made.

Because he doesn’t care, he’s the bad guy, he’s trouble. And now you’re thinking about him, about you two, about what happened. But you’re not supposed to, because you’re supposed to be over this. Over him. In a way, you are. You’ve accepted that what you had is over, but it’s hard to accept the fact that he’s no longer in your life, and that’s okay. I think it is very important to remember that you can miss something without wanting it back.

You know he’s the bad guy, you know he’s not good for you, but you can’t help but miss what you two had. You’re going to miss him no matter how nicely or how badly he treated you, just because of the connection you had with him. Things were so easy, you could finally be yourself. He accepted you for who you were. You thought the fairytale you were living in was never going to end, but then he closed all of the doors. You fell for him, and he took ten steps back.

He left you clueless and wondering what was going on, because he never really gave you an explanation. And now, you miss him. It’s been three weeks and you still can’t manage to get his memory out of your head. You try to talk to new guys but it feels forced, because it reminds you that you will never find another one like him. You remember that one night he told you you’re everything he’s ever wanted, you remember how happy he made you feel. You remember how it felt to feel like you were finally important to someone.

It will never make sense how you could go from being the most important thing to him, to the girl he walks past without even a second glance. Just like that. That’s why breakups are always so confusing. If you ever actually cared about someone, how can you all of a sudden just pretend they dropped off of the face of the earth? To me, it makes it seem like they never actually cared at all. This will make you think you cared way too much, more than you should have. More than he deserved. It’s almost like it was way too easy for him to forget about you.

Sometimes you wonder how he thinks about it now, because you see his face in every stranger you pass on the street. Does he regret it? Does he want it back? Because for you, for the first time in your life you had something to lose… and you lost it. You realize what you guys had was great, but it was built on a lie. Built on the lie that he actually cared about you. He was long gone when he met you. He was never ready for you, he was always thinking about what he was missing out on rather than what was right in front of him. It makes you feel stupid for thinking that what you had was real, because to him it wasn’t.

But, now you know that it was worth the heartbreak because you learned what it was like to truly relate to another human being. But you’ll learn that time heals everything. I promise you that pain makes you stronger, and walking through all of these rainstorms will make you clean. Because each day that goes by you will think about him less and less. You’ll forget what his voice sounds like, what his aftershave smells like, and most importantly what his lips felt like. You’ll watch his life in pictures, you'll physically feel him forget you, and you'll keep up with his friends just so you can see how he's doing.

But don’t plan on him changing his mind. Don’t plan on him crawling back to you, because you’re better than that. You deserve better than the guy who didn’t like you enough to let go of all of the other girls. His world burned too fast and too bright for you, and you knew that. Now that it’s over, it will all come back in flashes. All of the memories will come back, the pictures, the songs, the feelings. It all comes back, but he doesn’t. He never does, and he never will.

But your greatest fear will be that, one day, he will say he wants you back. You’ll break down in tears trying to think of a way to explain to him that you are still too heartbroken from the last time, and you’re not ready to lose everything again. Part of you knew the second you saw him what would happen, it’s nothing he said or did… it was the feeling that came along with him. The crazy thing is, you don’t know if you’re ever going to feel that way again… but you don’t know if you should.

You just lost your balance… but the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing yourself. Because now you’re free of him, you’re free of the constant stress and anxiety he brought you. For once you can sleep in on a Saturday morning and watch your favorite show you haven’t seen in months, all because you’ve been too busy trying to please him.

You remember what it’s like to laugh with your best friend until you have tears streaming down your face. Driving around blasting Taylor Swift has never been more fun. Ordering pizza and watching HGTV with your roommate is now your favorite thing to do. You’re finally noticing everything you’ve been missing out on for so long, you’re finding yourself again. You lost him, but you found yourself. And somehow, that is everything.