This past week, the Trump administration made world history and headlines when Counselor to the President and unofficial propagandist Kellyanne Conway made an astonishing discovery. In an exclusive interview with the moderator of “Meet the Press”, Chuck Todd, Conway revealed the big surprise: alternative facts! An astonished Chuck Todd simply could not believe the words coming from Conway’s mouth.
There was a brief moment of silence on live television as Todd attempted to process Conway’s revelation.
Shortly after the bombshell statement, Conway was immediately awarded a Nobel physics prize for her team’s breakthrough in (what used to be mere) theoretical physics. World-renowned astrophysicist and science communicator Neil DeGrasse Tyson expressed absolute shock at Conway’s discovery. “Erwin Schroedinger, of Schroedinger’s cat fame, first publicly broached the idea of alternate universes in 1952.
A lot of physicists did not take him seriously at the time. Some even thought that Mr. Schroedinger had simply lost his mind.
Today, we see that he was correct after all. Alternate universes do exist, and as such, alternative facts are indeed a very real phenomenon.” Tyson would later go on to comment on how sad he was that Schroedinger, who died in 1961, did not live long enough to see his theory get proven to be correct.
The alternate universe that Conway discovered blew everyone’s minds, even Conway herself. “I really was not expecting to see the sort of alternate world that I did,” Conway said,. “Everything was simply just so different from how things are in our universe. In this alternate universe, with its own set of alternative facts, Trump was the most popular world leader in the history of mankind.
On inauguration day, Trump enjoyed crowds so massive that they reached all the way to the outer suburbs of Washington, D.C. and could be heard all the way from Baltimore, Maryland. His approval ratings were through the roof, all the way up to 146% which is a new record for an incoming President of the United States.”
Trump’s reception on inauguration day was not the only thing different in this alternate universe, as we quickly discovered for ourselves upon visiting this other reality. In this strange reality, Trump was a calm and benevolent billionaire philanthropist. His generosity was similar to that of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.
Trump’s tweets were also very articulate and insightful and, most surprising of all, completely free of spelling errors. Instead of aligning himself with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, Trump offered his full support to the Ukrainians afraid that Putin might try to take more territory from their nation.
“The people of Ukraine should know that, as part of the great organization that is NATO, we shall never let them down. They can always count on the United States as a chief force for good in our oftentimes unforgiving and hostile world.”
Most amazing of all, events entirely unrelated to Trump had unfolded differently in this alternate universe. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers led the Green Bay Packers to a crushing victory against the Atlanta Falcons. The final score was 44 to zero. Falcons head coach Dan Quinn was fired immediately after this sound defeat.
Reports say that he was filled with such shame that he cried for hours on end back at his home in Atlanta.
The Packers weren’t the only NFL team to move closer to the Super Bowl in this alternate universe, though. The Pittsburgh Steelers, against all odds and everyone’s expectations, managed to pull off a narrow victory against the New England Patriots. The final score was 21 to 24, and the Steelers could not claim victory until overtime.
“I surprised even myself,” Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said to reporters and interviewers. “I have never been prouder of myself and this team.” Meanwhile, an astonished Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was reported to have been left speechless after his defeat.
His only comment was, “I truly cannot believe that we lost. I only have myself to blame. It seems that our victory this year against the Pittsburgh Steelers can only ever be an alternative fact.”
While the world’s physics community is still reeling from the astonishing discovery of alternate universes, the rest of the world is merely overjoyed. “I simply cannot believe what we are witnessing,” American actress Meryl Streep said in complete and utter awe. “In this universe, I have nothing but negative and critical things to say about Trump. However, it is an alternative fact that elsewhere in the multiverse, I delivered nothing but praise for President Trump when I gave my speech at the Golden Globes awards ceremony.”
At press time, Conway could not be reached for further comments.
We can only assume that she is as ecstatic as we are about her astonishing discovery and contribution to modern physics.
