Are you a among the many who fears using the toilet? Afraid a scurry of rabid squirrels is on the prowl in the sewers desperately searching for food, and your manhood/womanhood, naked and vulnerable, is next in line to be pickled by a devious bunch of furry rodents? Well have no fear! The ever-so generous act of accidentally giving your last cigarette to that homeless guy last night who happened to catch you in a moment of drunken Gandhi-ism, might just save your fun bits! Here's an impeccably formulated and simplified karma scale, as well as information on what you can do to ensure your next poo is a stress free one.
1. Hitler's Evil Twin
Are you a violent racist who enjoys punching kittens and tripping babies just recently learning to walk? Unfortunately your karma level is a 1, meaning you should definitely carry a weapon with you when using the bathroom; preferably a shotgun. Rabid squirrels are nothing to screw with, especially when your pants are down.
Tips for achieving a higher karma
level: Everything you're doing, stop it... Yes, that too. Put the
kitten down.
Fun Fact: Hitler might not have punched
kittens or tripped babies. But who's to say he didn't? Are you going
to defend Hitler? That's what I thought.
2. Martin Shkreli
Would you do just about anything to become a billionaire? Even if it means raising the price of a life-saving drug by 4000%, further impoverishing an already suffering people? Hopefully you have enough cash to invent your very own rodent defense toilet because rabid squirrels cannot be paid off. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Tips for achieving a higher karma
level: Try using your money for good! Rich billionaire, fighting
injustice, wooing the lady's... Can you say Iron Man suit? C'mon, who
cares if they tell you it can't be built. When has reasoning and logic ever stopped you in the past?
Fun Fact: I have decided to Kickstart
the “AC Rodent Mulcher 5000,” a toilet designed to be the first
and last defense against sewer squirrel invasion. If you share this
you get one free.
3. Like picking your nose at a stoplight, you hurt no one, but...
Congratulations! You've done enough
moderately good and bad things to even your karma level out. Like a
river hippo, nobody really bothers you but they don't like you
either. You are safe from karma risen sewer squirrels at this level,
however, who knows when your karma level will drop? Might as well
invest in some extra protection...
Tips for achieving a higher karma
level: There's always room for improvement. Try tipping next time you
go out. You're trying to tell me you tip and have a higher karma
level than this? Let's get real now.
Fun Fact: 90% of non-tippers stay at
this karma level. The other 10% are in either level 1 or 2. You are
not Mr. Pink, tip you hippo.
4. Old Lady Courier
You go out of your way to help those in
need. Old lady needs help crossing the street? You're there to carry
her along. Your friends need a designated driver? You can always be
counted on to provide safe passage to and from the bar for your buds.
So much so it seems like there is never a time where you aren't the
DD. You are safe from karma squirrels, but that doesn't necessarily
mean your friends are. Next time you're holding your friend's hair
back as they're puking their brains out in a gross bathroom stall, you
may be in for a fury surprise. Whether you help or leave them victim
to an angry sewer squirrel attack is up to you.
Tips for achieving a higher karma
level: Keep doing you my friend! You are so sweet you're probably
finding yourself consistently in the friend zone with everyone you
take an interest in. But who needs romantic companionship when your
bathroom experiences are stress free?
Fun Fact: Frequently leaving your friends victim
to karma squirrel attacks may or may not effect your karma level.
That one is up to the karma Gods.
5. The abstinence-born love child of Mother Theresa and Superman
You've done it. You are the golden boy,
the chosen one, the person who is so good that the Vatican has
approved your tears as a legitimate source for the holiest of holy
waters. Sewer rodents have a picture of your junk with the tag line
“Off Limits” hanging in their kitchens, and they sing songs in
your name when chowing down on pickled remains of the less
fortunate. Way to go you!
Tips for achieving a higher karma
level: Your season is over coach. Sit back and enjoy your
accomplishments.
Fun Fact: You are probably not at this
level.
