With the sanctity of marriage in question over the past couple weeks, it has made me reflect on how one of the purest of things in this world has turned into an impure reality. Now, I am I not here to argue the unionization of a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Love is love and it is not for me to tell another person whom to love.
Where I have personally seen the sanctity of marriage diminish is not in the sense of who is getting married to whom, but in the growing number of failed marriages across the country. I have been a victim of divorce, a nasty reality that more and more kids are having to face. I have seen and experienced the consequences of this reality.
There is so much statistical data out there to show the devastating effects that a divorce can have on a child. Unfortunately, I have seen that played out in my life, as well as in my sister's life.
No doubt that this has caused a lot of insecurity and walls to be built in my life. It has made me realize something important: I don’t want to be just another child of divorce that has had a troubled life because of my parents' decisions. Screw the statistics! It is my life to live, and I, only I, can control what my life is going to be going forward. My parents divorce WILL NOT define the man, the husband, or the father I will be in the future.
50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Children of divorced families are even more likely to have failed marriages going forward as well. This is because they see this as a solution and an acceptable out to their marriage's problems. But this will not be a solution for me.
I plan on getting married ONE time. When I say “till’ death do you part,” I will mean it with every bone in my body. I will do everything in my power to make sure I either bury my wife, or she buries me. I will mean “for better or for worse.” I will love my wife through all her perfect imperfections and support her when times are tough, and I will fully expect that from her.
At the age of 20 years old, how I view my life, and my future life now, is different. As much as I enjoy college, being single, and the social life of a college campus, I cannot help but to look forward to having a wife and having a family. Even though I went through a divorce, I feel so unbelievably blessed to have the family I did for 17 years. I have two great, loving parents who supported me both emotionally and financially to do whatever I loved and had a passion for. Their example has made me passionate about providing the same life for my family in the future.
When my dad left, it was the hardest thing that I had ever dealt with. He was my best friend and biggest supporter, and then all of a sudden he was out of my life for about a solid year. The devastation I saw in my mother and my sister broke my heart. I held everything in and tried to be strong for them and for myself, but to no avail. I started to stray away from my moral code, and make decisions that I had later come to regret. My life was a mess, and I took on a victim mentality with everything I did. My excuses and reasoning for the decisions I was making were all because of the divorce. It wasn’t until college that I realized that this divorce did not have to define the man I am, nor the man I will soon become.
I started to realize the path I was headed down, and did not like what I saw. Only by God’s grace was I able to see that my parents' divorce did not need to end in my divorce. Seeing the effects that this divorce had on me and my family, and seeing how it affected some of my close friends, I vowed never to put my kids through that pain. Once again, I decided that it would not control my life, but only motivated me to be in control of my own life.
To you kids out there that know this deep pain, I urge you to take back control of your life. Make your life what you want. Your divorce experience does not need to be the underlying factor of your happiness. I urge you to reflect, and heal that hurt your parents' split caused you and your family. I urge you to use that reflection to take a proactive stance on controlling your own life. Never let your past dictate your future. Realize that this a process and not an event, it will bring back feelings you never wanted to face again, which I still deal with, and still hurt. There will come a time when you are truly okay. It is so liberating. That liberating feeling has allowed me to refocus my life and my goals going forward. It has only motivated me to be part of the 50 percent of marriages that are forever. For my kids' sake, if I can do anything for them, it will be to protect them from the hurt that divorce has caused me, and millions of other children of divorce.
Just because you’re a child of divorce, doesn’t mean that your kids have to be.
