For many years now, I've been burdened by a terrible, uh, burden. I’ve spent many a night lying awake, tossing and turning, seeking refuge, seeking a cure to my plight, an answer to my question. I have been plagued, tormented and burdened by this, uh--burden. I need to know.

When I go to the doctor, do I have a ”doctor appointment,” a “doctors appointment” or a “doctor’s appointment”?

I have to know.

Let us begin with a “doctor appointment,” for it seems to me that this should be the correct formulation. After all, I could quite comfortably say, “I have an appointment” or “I am going to the doctor.” So “doctor” is simply modifying that appointment.

Now, doesn’t this turn "doctor" into an adjective? You may say, “doctor is a noun you fool!” Well, I say, if doctor can be a verb, why not an adjective! Actually, that’s not my argument, but it still bothers me.

The point is, using “doctor” as an adjective just feels wrong, like a transgression of the sacred bond of language.

But fear not. It is not an adjective. Rather it is a noun adjunct! What is a noun adjunct you ask? Well I asked it when I Googled “What is the proper phrasing of “I have a (doctor)(‘)(s) appointment?” The results were inconclusive, which is why you get to read this article.

Anyhow, an adjunct noun is more or less a noun that behaves like an adjective, such as “chicken juice” or “apple star” or “death soup.”

Now, this would seem to support my personal belief that “I have a doctor appointment” is the correct formulation. Yet we simply don’t say “doctor” in that context. There’s always an “S” tacked on at the end.

Stupid S's.

In light of this fact, let us turn to “I have a doctors appointment.” This should be brief. This formulation is wrong. Unequivocally, irrevocably, burdensomely wrong. First of all, people overwhelmingly only schedule appointments with one doctor at a time (unless they are particularly ambitious).

Yet the plural form is incorrect even if one were to see multiple doctors. Why, you may ask? What a preposterous question. I don’t even need to answer that.

Next!

Now we arrive at the possessive form. “I have a doctor’s appointment.” My intense research (citation needed) has led me to believe that this is the most commonly agreed upon formulation. But I tell you this is wrong! Let's break this down.

If I have a “doctor’s appointment,” then it clearly indicates that the appointment belongs to the doctor. And yet, somehow I am in possession of the doctor’s appointment. Now, how did I come to be in possession of the appointment? Did I steal it?

Of course not.

I called up the doctor, and I laid claim to said appointment. The appointment is mine! My own! My precious!

So, in short, I have conclusively proven that the correct formulation should be “I have a doctor appointment.” I mean, just think about it. You would never say, “I have a death’s soup,” would you? No. No, you wouldn’t.

I think we can all agree that it's time to stop adding an unnecessary "S."

Please grammar responsibly.