Diabetes hasn't always been part of my life. In fact, I led a relatively normal life before being diagnosed with the disease. But, alas, I was not meant to lead a life of normalcy. Life for me was forever changed on December 17, 2010, and it wasn't because it was my parent's 15th anniversary. No, it was because I was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus type 1.
Type 1 Diabetes is a chronic illness that effects the pancreas. Unlike type 2 diabetes, where the body becomes unable to process the insulin the body is creating, people with type 1 diabetes simply do not even create it anymore. Insulin is the product of the pancreas which works with cells to allow sugar to enter and create energy. So instead of having an organ create the insulin and work directly within my blood, I get to use artificial insulin and syringes so I don't die. There is no cure currently for this disease.
Even though diabetes is manageable, and you can't really see the symptoms (unless you see me while I'm low, then I get shaky and sweaty), and I'm not necessarily dying from it like other chronic illnesses, it takes a tremendous toll on my physical, emotional, and mental states. Oscillating blood sugars can seriously damage your kidneys, eye sight, blood circulation (ever wonder why there are such things as diabetes socks?), and so much more. It's stressful trying to make sure that I check my blood sugars and take my medicine and go to the various doctors regularly and this too takes a toll. Since coming to college, almost every semester I have gone to the hospital for high blood sugars. My endocrinologists back home used to commend me for my hard work and good results but now the stress of juggling college, work, extracurricular activities, and my health has flushed that down the theoretical toilet. It's a good day for me to have blood sugars in the 200s, but that isn't good at all. A good blood sugar range (for a diabetic) is around 80-150. Diabetes makes me feel defeated, like I will never get past anything, and most of all, it makes me feel depressed for the future. Knowing I more than likely will have this for the rest of my life, I feel like I can't even trust my own body.
Despite all of this, having diabetes has taught me a lot, particularly when it comes to self love- or at least the journey to learn how to love myself. If you know me well, then you know that I struggle with this. So I compiled a system that I use to help me to remember I am worth it and that my diabetes will not get the best of me.
1. When I'm at rock bottom, feeling the worst of the worst I find a notebook and start writing all of the horrible things that I have said or thought about myself. I then read my list, realizing just how poorly I was treating myself and that I deserve better than that especially coming from myself.
2. I try to not let my feelings continue to overwhelm me. I try to not judge myself for the bad way I was just treating my own body and move on from there.
3. I try to find something I know I'm good at. This usually involves playing with my puppy or taking him outside. It's the little things that really add up.
4. I apologize to myself. For me, this is probably the most important step. I think forgiveness, even if it is to yourself, can be so healing. It feels like I am in control again, I am choosing this path and making the effort to move on and love myself again.
This has been and will continue to be a struggle for me to accept and work on for years to come. But the key is to not let diabetes, or life, win and get the better of you. Little steps like these are my tools I use in the journey to happiness and success.
