"It's not you, it's me," is one of the most cliche lines we've heard when it comes to ending a relationship.
We're always told that it's the other person's fault for the sudden termination of what we'd hoped to be our forever, not ours. Making us immune to the accountability of our problems.
For me, at least, I can say that most of the time I'd let this proclamation in one ear and out the other. Not paying much attention to the nonsense, as it made me believe I was the least problematic and most perfect factor in my relationships.
To be completely honest, I have always liked to believe that when it comes to being a girlfriend, I'm flawless. My intentions are always pure and my love is always genuine. I do everything right. I make the time, show the effort, and pour the good in myself into my significant other.
But after multiple failed relationships and endless years of tears, I've had to sit myself down and figure out what the problem is. Is it my actions? Or lack thereof? Is it my appearance? Is it my personality?
I've found myself continuously questioning my physical characteristics and what I thought were my redeeming qualities, all because of the failed relationships I've had. And still, after pondering on every external characteristic I could possibly think of, I concluded that each of the times I've been told it hasn't been me, and has been them, has been accurate.
With all that I do and all that I am, there's absolutely no way the ends of my relationships could have been my fault. Although I steadily questioned myself, I couldn't find any problems in who I was as a girlfriend, making them the ones who were at fault.
But finally, and surprisingly, I came to realize that it's not my external qualities that are causing the demise of my relationships. It isn't my appearance or my personality. It isn't that I'm not doing enough. But it is me. It is me simply because of my internal thoughts of myself.
I didn't love me.
I didn't ask myself what I thought of me. I didn't ask myself if I believed I had a great personality. I didn't ask myself if I loved me. And that's where my problems laid.
My problem, my failed relationships, weren't because of them. They were because of me. Because I didn't love myself. I didn't cherish myself. Like I said before, I have always poured all of me into them. But have I ever poured all of my energy and time into me? No.
From these failures, I have learned that if you don't love you, no one else can love you. And that is why failure was inevitable in these partnerships.
When you aren't investing in yourself, believing in yourself or loving yourself, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
It is you who knows what you want and desire out of life. It is you who sets a level of expectation for how others treat you. So when you aren't loving yourself, you're showing others that they can treat you the way you feel about yourself. So when it isn't good, know the treatment won't be great. Others will act accordingly based on the way you break yourself down or lower your standards. Ultimately, when you show the world how you view yourself, the world will act accordingly.
This is why loving yourself is essential. For lasting relationships, it's important to love you before you pour all you have into someone else. When you know what's in your heart and appreciate who you are, when you love who you are, you'll only allow yourself to be in relationships, to know people, who love you just as much.
