Let's just make one thing clear: the "friend zone" doesn't exist. The whole premise rests on the idea that because someone is nice to you, they're entitled to have sex with you. Now, with you exercising your rights over your body, somehow you've wronged them. Doesn't seem very fair, and that's because it's not. In every "Nice Guy's" world who considers himself friend zoned, we, Women of the World™, have come together in our secret meetings and decided to condemn them to a life of drudgery and moving our couches.

Not to worry, Nice Guys, I'll save us both some trouble and not let you know where I live anymore.

My second point here is - since I really have to break this one down - women do like nice guys. We like nice guys, nice girls, and nice folks. The thing is, we just don't buy into the thinly veiled misogyny that is Nice Guys, Inc. Are you beginning to see the difference?

We like to be treated with respect. In fact, we recently demanded it in bigger numbers than any other protest in American history ever.

What we don't like is that creepy dude Gary from our class who goes on Facebook rants about how girls won't date him because he's too good to them. And trust us, every woman has dealt with more than her fair share of Garys. Interestingly enough, the Garys of the world are always the first to resort to calling women "sluts" and "whores" when we reject their advances. Seems a bit counterproductive, doesn't it?

The fact that this Gary and all the guys like him talk about how nice they are every time I run into them makes me think they're not very nice at all. In fact, it reminds me of a certain someone currently in the highest position of power in the United States that wants to assure us all that "nobody has more respect" for women than him. Seems a little fishy to me that he's the only one telling people that.

Men's anger with being "friend zoned" stems from their entitlement to women's bodies and the space they occupy. It shows they never wanted to be our friends in the first place, but that it was just a stepping stone to getting into our pants. From my secret meetings with The Women, I can let y'all know none of us are really turned on by that.

So, to all the Garys out there wondering why they spent this Valentine's Day alone, take the hint from a real life woman and start acting like an adult. Men aren't entitled to women's bodies, and fabricating the friend zone to explain away your own shortcomings isn't going to land you a date any time soon. Keep your heads up, champs, and here's a pro tip: listening to what women have to say will get you way farther than just complaining that you think you treat them too well.

Note: I'm currently accepting applications for self help classes, including Consent for Dummies; Women Are Human Beings, Too; and Tinder Tag Lines That Don't Make You Sound Like a Murderer. Good luck out there!