A few months ago I began drafting a new article called "School May Not Be My Biggest Stressor, But That Doesn't Mean I Still Don't Get Stressed." Basically, I was going to talk about how, unlike many people my age, I rarely get overwhelmed or panicked about my schoolwork, but instead my biggest stressors come from things like friendships, relationships, food, health of myself and my loved ones, the list goes on. The main reason why school has never really been my biggest anxiety is not because I don't care or that I don't work hard (I am actually the exact opposite of that), but rather it is something that I feel very in control over in my life. As a generally Type A personality with a tendency to get anxious over a lot of things, the root of my anxiety often stems from situations that I don't have any control over, whether it's related to other people or external circumstances that I am faced with. I know that if I work hard at my schoolwork and do everything (and beyond) of what is expected of me as a student, I will succeed, and I've been fortunate that this mentality has served me well thus far.

Well clearly, I spoke too soon. Little did I know that about a month after I came up with this article idea we would be hit with a global pandemic and my entire life would be flipped upside down. Transitioning my classes online seemed promising at first, as I thought it wouldn't be much different than the structure I was used to for other online classes that I've taken before. Boy, was I wrong. I will say that some of my professors have been nothing but accommodating and understanding during this time, and to those people I do thank them. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the rest of my classes.

I guess you could call myself a jinx because for the first time in years, I have let my schoolwork get the best of me. I am finally letting all the pent up frustration and stress get to me. I have broken down and cried way too many times about dumb meaningless assignments and homework that aren't going to matter in ten years let alone in like a month from now when finals are over. And let me tell you, it's not a good feeling at all.

The reason behind my stress and anxiety with my school work has absolutely nothing to do with the fact the work is too challenging or that I don't think I can handle it because again, I know I am a capable and dedicated student. My frustration more so stems from the fact that we are in the midst of a global pandemic and somehow I am spending all of my time doing schoolwork. I just can't catch a damn break right now. Each time I feel like I've caught up with my assignments, I forget about a whole other thing that I have to do. There are so many books I want to read, shows I want to watch, new things I want to create and accomplish, yet I feel like I haven't even had the time to do any of them because I'm just literally doing schoolwork all the time. I've barely even found the time to sit down and write this very article that I've been dying to write because of it. Not a happy camper over here.

Something that I've found pretty frustrating is the fact that most of my classes aren't even on Zoom, meaning that I'm not even interacting with my professors anymore. I only have one class that is a traditional discussion now, and it's really the only class I actually like at this point in the semester. The rest of my teachers have kind of just thrown me into the unknown and are expecting me to fend for myself. For example, one of my professors has decided to keep a group research project (with modifications of course). Essentially, I am tasked to design an entire research project, poster presentation, and present the findings to my professors and TAs with three other students that I barely know. It was already challenging enough to coordinate our schedules when we were actually at school and now are expected to do the same amount of work and responsibility while we are all separated at home (I barely know their last names let alone where they live and what they could possibly be going through right now). The lack of both interaction and communication with professors as well as other students in the class in person is actually taking a much greater toll on me than I ever thought it would be.

I think one of the toughest parts about online school is that all the work is now on your own. Going to class for me didn't feel like a chore--yes it was something I enjoyed, but it also didn't really feel like it was apart of my "assigned" work for the courses I was in if that makes sense. Well, now going to "lecture" is now all done on your own time, which makes it feel like 1000x more work than you had before. One of my teachers even gave us proctored exams. Yes, even while at home, my test was being proctored, meaning there was a camera on me watching my every move while I took an exam to ensure that I wasn't cheating.

Of course, the university is being flexible and allowing us to opt for any of our classes to be "credit/no credit," meaning we can take the class for credit hours but our grade does not show up on our transcript nor will it be counted towards our GPA. This is a really hard thing for me because I am not the type of student to just give up when things get hard. I want to always put forth my best and almost feel a complex if the work I'm doing isn't being validated through a grade, so I've been kind of putting off the decision of whether or not I want to opt for this (I only have like a few more days to decide though). I completely understand that this is my choice in doing this and I am the only one that is putting the pressure on myself, but at the end of the day, I want to put forth my best just as I would any other semester.

I know it just probably sounds like I am straight up bitching right now, which I partially am, but I guess I'm just trying to pinpoint why I am getting so worked up about my schoolwork when we are in the middle of a global pandemic. There are so many more important things to be worried about right now and certainly many other things that I can be frustrated or angry with right now. But again, I think it goes back to what I was talking about at the beginning of the article with control. We have absolutely no control with what is going on in the world right now. If there was a magic spell that could be casted right now to make this whole thing go away, I think everyone would be pulling out their magic wands in a heartbeat.

So where does that leave me? For perhaps the first time in my life, I feel like the control of my schoolwork is starting to slip through my fingertips. I am working from home alongside my entire family in very tight quarters, I don't feel supported by many of my teachers who just seem to care more about getting their paycheck than the success of their students, and the work is continuing to pile on and it feels like it is never ending. In this whole online school thing, I am completely out of my comfort zone and I don't like it one bit.

I know that I am kind of just using school as a punching bag to blame for all of the other problems or things that I'm upset about right now. It's an easy target, something tangible that I can just say is the issue, but I know it really isn't. I've been very upfront many times about how this year has been pretty tough for me even prior to the Coronavirus, and it seems like there are days where it's only getting tougher. To be honest, I am sick of feeling so defeated all the time. It seems like as soon as one problem is solved, another one comes up, punching me harder than the last. And in the midst of some of the darkest times in all of our lives, it is starting to get harder and harder to find the silver linings.

While I wrap up what is going to be remembered as the craziest semester of my life and one of the most difficult times I will ever face, I am not going to waste my breath complaining about this online school thing one more second. Because it's clearly not doing me any good and it's not going to solve any of my problems. This doesn't just apply to school, but to all different situations in my life. Because at the end of the day, one day I'm going to graduate and school is no longer going to matter. But unfortunately, the problems aren't going away, they are just going to be something else. What I've learned is that there's ALWAYS something else.

As I type this article a lot more optimistic and inspired then I started writing it, I am ready to change my attitude. I am going to be patient and compassionate with myself. I am going to give myself a break when I feel like I deserve one. I am going to not put pressure on myself to be 100% perfect at everything that I do 24/7. And guess what even if I do lose it again (which very well could happen as I am not perfect and we've been trapped in our houses for over a month and a half now), I am going to tell myself it's okay to feel overwhelmed and it's okay to ask for help if you need it. I need to start allowing myself to relinquish control as well as not feel like I need to have it all together all the time. For one thing, just writing this article has really helped me see a new perspective as well as done a complete 180 on my mood and mindset. I urge everyone, especially right now, to take a breather and find one thing a day to do that will make them happy. As one of my new favorite motivational speakers Glennon Doyle always says, "we can do hard things." Letting go has never come easy for me, but at a time like this, it is essential.