I can't even begin to tell you how often I am asked why I still talk to my ex. It's so difficult for people on the outside of a personal relationship to understand the dynamic of the relationship itself but it's so easy for the outsiders to perceive and to judge based off of what they think they know. We may not be together, but that doesn't mean it's over.
All details excluded, no we are not together. No, we are not dating and no, you will not see us holding hands in the neighborhood you're used to seeing us in. Things get messy and titles like "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" become cumbersome. Although, just because we aren't together doesn't mean the love has changed. The loss of a title doesn't mean I don't run to him in times of stress or support everything my ex-boyfriend is doing towards his dream. No, we aren't together but no, it's not over.
I have been taught that sometimes things need to fall apart for better things to fall together. Sometimes, you fall apart with people and then they come back later in better ways. With a little more understanding of self and of love and of what you want to get out of the relationship. Essentially, the century old philosophy rings true. Let them go, if they come back they were always yours. Just because two people are dating, doesn't mean they don't love each other.
Just because he's not my boyfriend, doesn't mean I don't feel his hands in mine when I'm about to speak in front of a large group of people and it doesn't mean that I don't see him singing in the car next to me when I hear certain songs. It doesn't mean I stop thinking about him and wishing he was closer and talking to him as much as I can because he still gives me butterflies. It doesn't mean I don't brag about him as if we was my boyfriend to all of my friends and people I just met. A title doesn't change my feelings, it changes how those feelings are perceived. Am I any less in love with this man now that we aren't "dating"? No.That doesn't stop people from asking me if I'm okay, or if we still talk. We're young, we're figuring things out, we're adjusting to our environment and the changes that are inevitably going to fall unto us just by life's good grace. I would never want to pressure someone that I love to be with me when they're not comfortable in the situation they're in, the new life they now have to live. It's so vital for people to see how they are on their own without the distraction of anyone else in their peripheral. This is that time for me and I'm sure for him, as well.
So yes, it's over. We are not in a relationship, and I will not call him my boyfriend. But I will never stop saying that I love him. I'll never say that he isn't the first thing I think about in the morning or the images that go through my head at night. I won't stop screaming the song that he used to love and I will never stop listening to my millions of playlists named after him. I will not stop talking about him and how proud of him I am because someday it won't be over. I believe in soulmates and I believe in love way too much.
So this is it, this is my time to understand myself and love myself first.
But someday, you will see us holding hands in that same small neighborhood, going on dates and someday you will see us taking over this idea that titles are what hold love. Not people. Because though I like the title, I love him much more.
