The phrase “Blood is thicker than water” is often misused. This quote actually is talking about the ‘blood’ of war versus the ‘water’ of the womb. The blood shed within battle may just be thicker than the water of familial connection. Often, family is seen as the people you have a duty towards. Well, I’m here to tell you the opposite. Sometimes you have to pick the people that have gone to battle with you, rather than the default setting of people that were already there. So today I want to emphasize choice. I urge you to choose the family and people you surround yourself with.
My Aunt Cheryl is not my mother or father’s sister, nor was my Uncle Frank really related to me. Sometimes, it is necessary to choose your non-biological family. My Aunt Cheryl was my mother’s friend, but stepped into the role of godmother and aunt to three girls. Just as my mother chose my Aunt Cheryl to become my aunt, my Aunt Cheryl chose us to become her family. Bonds do not have to be established by trivial stuff, such as shared genes. Choosing family happens all the time in adoptions, yet the idea of “real” family still exists today. You can become a family by marriage, in which you choose your partner.
In biology class, I learned about Mendel’s laws. It uses flowers to show how familial traits are passed down, based upon parent one and parent two. I’m stating that Mendel’s laws do not encompass the full understanding of what family is. To some, this idea is radical and offensive.
My Uncle Frank passed away last year. At the funeral, people came up to us and said something that shocked me: “He always called you his grandchildren." He had never said it in front of us, as we had lost our grandfathers at an early age. We sat in front at his wake and funeral and we were seen as his family. His death hit me hard, but here’s what I learned: My Uncle Frank didn’t need to be my uncle. He was our neighbor (I may or may not have broken into his yard as a child). Neighbors can stay neighbors, he chose to be our family. I loved my Uncle Frank and it was tacit that we were family, which became very apparent when we lost him.
So, choose now. If you have a good relationship with your family, that’s great. If you believe your family to be toxic, but feel obligated to include them in your life, that’s bad. It’s as simple as Mendel’s laws of parent one and two. Instead of taking Mendel’s laws as, well, laws, take them as suggestions. Although family can be biological, there is no such thing as “real” family. Since when did family become a hierarchical scale, clearly distancing itself from any interpersonal relationships. Fancy words aside, choose. Sometimes you have to reject biology and choose the people you share your life with.
