Sometimes, what was once a great friendship or relationship comes to an end. Maybe there was a falling out. Maybe it was just time to go your separate ways. Maybe it was a clean break, or maybe it was ugly. Regardless, we have always been told to it’s been drilled into our heads to “be the bigger person.” We are supposed to apologize first, accept a defeat, and tell the other person we wish them all the happiness in the world. It can be draining and demeaning offering our most whole-hearted apologies and best wishes to someone we feel has wronged us and doesn’t’ really deserve it. After going through this more than a few times, my most recent experience was my last straw.

I spent a good chunk of my teenage years hurting over the same person and continually fighting the same fight with them. At this point in my life this person is no longer a part of it, and my only regret about that is finding myself hoping they were happier, especially without me. Don’t get me wrong- I would never ever wish someone bad things, but I just don’t wish them well. I harbor so much anger over what happened. I relive the bad moments more than the good. I miss them and I don’t want to.

They took advantage of a person who was already so willing to give. All of my time and energy slowly turned into the loss of my spark and spirit. I gave up my friends, my last year of high school, and my first year of college. I lost my self-esteem, my trust, and my emotional and mental wellbeing. A light within me that I’ve always been known for having went out and I didn’t feel like me anymore. How could anyone expect me sit there at the end of it all and say, “Well, I hope they are happy now”?

I am aware that by saying this, I’m not being “the bigger person.” That doesn’t bother me though. I’ve tried taking the high road in these situations multiple times and I have found that it works sometimes- but not here. Here it only makes me angrier and more fragile. I set myself up by opening myself and being vulnerable- admitting where I was wrong and that I’m sorry- only to be met with short, meaningless answers, sometimes no answer at all. I am not the type of person who can sit back and think, “okay, I did my part and that’s it. I’m moving on.” For me, it’s not that simple. If I don’t get the answers or the ending I’m looking for I keep pushing for them, and life doesn’t work that way. Very rarely do we get exactly what we want.

So no, I do not wish them well. I don’t wish them anything. I’m not wasting anymore of my already exhausted mental energy trying to be okay with the situation. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. The experience definitely made me more mature, but it also made me rougher around the edges and now all I do is try to smooth them out. I refuse to accept the wrongs and heartbreak I have endured right now, and wishing them well only forces me to do that. And I‘m just not ready to.