Somedays, I catch myself feeling extremely sad. I don’t really know exactly how to explain this, I don’t quite know if everyone goes through this. But I do know I am not the only one. I feel alone. I know I have family, and some friends who are there for me; but I feel alone. But while I’m saying this in discouragement, there is nothing wrong with feeling alone. It’s okay, to not be okay.
Throughout my junior year of highschool is when feeling alone hit me home. Literally. I stopped going to school for quite a few months. Basically I almost failed eleventh grade; because I felt alone. My freshman and sophomore year of highschool I got so caught up in friends, social media, and just putting a fake version of myself out there for people. I was constantly judging myself, while feeling judged by others. I had all these friends, who weren’t actually friends. I wasn’t my true self, which is not okay. Anyone should surround themselves with friends who don’t make you feel like you have to be perfect at every moment of the day, that it’s okay to make mistakes. As spring of my sophomore year came around, I made these mistakes and lost just about every single one of my friends. That’s when I first felt what alone felt like. I wasn’t okay, but that’s okay.
As you feel alone for some time, it feels as if your world is falling apart. Because all of a sudden your not so perfect world, comes crumbling down. You have too many sleepless nights crying into your pillow to count on one hand, with the morning after trying to cover up those bloodshot swollen eyes. And out of nowhere, life just doesn’t seem worth the fight anymore.
Nobody really wishes for this to happen to them; if you are similar to me you don’t expect this to happen at all actually. Three years ago I never would have thought I would’ve been spending months dreading getting up in the morning. But sometimes depression just hits you with it’s arrow straight in the ass.
Now this sadness I’m talking about isn’t just sad over a friend mad at you, or a boy ending things with you. It’s not the sadness you feel when you parents say they are disappointed in you. This sadness is something more pure; it’s more.. real. I believe that’s what people who don’t suffer from this lack to understand. Understanding how alone you feel when you have 5 people snapchatting you, with a housefull of family members. Understanding how you can cry yourself to sleep each night but once it’s morning you have to smile for everyone. Understanding that you don’t want to bother somebody with your problems because, it;s really “no big deal.”
Depression, anxiety, adhd, add, multiple personality disorder, etc. are illnesses that quite often people don’t take seriously. It’s hard for someone who is outside the illness to understand how it feels to take on life, with two big blocks on your feet. It’s difficult. But it’s okay.
Living with a mental illness is okay. Admitting you have a mental illness is honestly a great step in life to achieve. Life is even more of a climb when you’re living with a constant battle in your head. But it’s possible. It’s possible to achieve want you want, to make friends, to just be happy. I’m not saying everyday of life is going to be rainbows and sunshines; but what I am saying is that you will have your rough days, your good days, your okay days, and your amazing days. These don’t define you as a person, but they do make you stronger.
It’s okay to not be okay. Everyone has bad days, everyone has baggage that they live with. If you’re struggling with a mental illness, it’s okay; things will get better. Have faith and hope and things will turn out how you plan. Life has obstacles you overcome, but as long as you keep going and never give up you’ll come out as a stronger and more wise person.
