If you were to ask yourself for a list of things that you love, I bet other people, activities, and objects instantaneously come to mind. How many things would you list off before you finally stated yourself as something you love? People rarely think it’s worth naming themselves because it’s a juncture that “goes without saying.” Sure, people value themselves, but they also often fail to realize that self-love is just as important as the love for a family member, or Netflix. In turn, this causes people to be victims of their own self-neglect in small yet impactful ways. Believe me, I would do absolutely anything for my family and best friends, but there have also been way too many times in the past when I deserved to be first and didn't do so.
When it comes to the people I truly care about, I will drop everything to help them. I will drive an hour out of the way and back to pick up my best friend stuck in a bad neighborhood, arrive late and leave early in the same shift at work to help paint my aunt’s house, or stay up three extra hours to study if it means making sure my mother is prepared for her party the next day. I’m sure many people can relate, giving up their own time to help their loved ones with important or minuscule tasks if that means they can do good for that person. Yet I also notice that these favors don’t come around too often, and they’re the little moments we can enjoy together. Failing to put yourself first can be a constant occurrence when in a relationship. Being with a significant other is “supposed” to be about compromises, making sacrifices for the sake of your partner, and doing all you can for the person you’re with. This is true to an extent. There may come a point when it's considered problematic for the feelings and needs of your boyfriend or girlfriend to be overshadowing your own priorities and happiness.
To be in love is one of the best feelings in the world. You give someone else the power to know your weaknesses, as well as the opportunity to use them against you; the relationship aspect is trusting them not to. Come hell or high water, most would undergo anything to ensure the happiness of their significant other. Why wouldn’t you if you love them? After the honeymoon stage of every relationship, you start the sometimes harsh comedown of the high experienced after getting together with someone new. Not that you didn’t know the true colors of your partner before, but the darker and more unpleasant ones can become more apparent than before. But it’s okay, they’re still the same person you got together with, and you still love them. So what if some of your views don’t coincide with theirs? You work through it and move on. What happens when it’s more than a couple of views? What happens if all you ever do is try to move on, with the lingering knowledge that they feel differently than you do about many things? What if you push your opinions to the backburner or change how you act to allow them to feel comfortable? How are you supposed to feel if you’re constantly bending your own beliefs, habits, and needs because it’s convenient for your partner? But you love them, and they love you; isn't that the most important thing in a relationship?
The mutual love of two people is certainly an essential factor in a relationship, but sometimes love just isn't enough. It’s one of the most upsetting truths I’ve had to admit as a hopeless romantic, yet one of the most liberating statements I’ve made as an independent individual. No matter how strongly I felt for someone and how much I wanted us to be together, a necessary step was taken toward a direction which I never thought we’d head toward. This step, our break up, was a result of the accumulation of certain habits that developed which I didn’t take a liking to, fights that had both of us unnerved at the end of most nights, and the general stress we were feeling instead of the joy a relationship is supposed to provide. I can only speak for myself, but this one factor in my life caused me to be unhappy about many other things I experienced outside of my relationship. To better myself, to further my progress as a student and general person, and to become happy again, I had to initiate our separation despite how much this decision would hurt me. I knew in the long run, being single and upset for some time while trying to find my happiness again would be the better choice, rather than staying in a relationship that became more of a hassle than a comfort. I loved my boyfriend, but when it came down to it, I chose to love myself more.
I have been told this mindset comes off as selfish, self-centered, and downright disrespectful towards others. To those who agree with these adjectives, I would like you to know that putting yourself first does not necessarily mean it has to be done at the expense of others. Deciding not to go to a dinner because you have a mountain of coursework to finish is not selfish, it is being on top of your schedule and knowing what to prioritize. Not wanting to host a party because you don’t have the time to clean up isn’t self-centered, it is knowing that you cannot give up a whole afternoon of vacuuming because of your own schedule. And breaking up with someone because you know that your own well-being is at risk is not disrespectful, it is doing what someone who truly cares about you would suggest.
There is so much love to go around; it’s one of the only things you can constantly give away, and there will only be more of it in the world. While you feel love for others, please don’t forget that sometimes it’s necessary to love yourself first.
