I have always struggled with emotions, not wanting to express anything but what was appropriate in public. I was told as a girl that guys didn't like 'emotional' girls, that they just wanted one of the guys. Though when discussing this topic guys were not the only thing, it was a vast majority.

I was a very angry child. I had this rage that I was struggling to deal with, besides having tantrums and biting my mother (I was very, very young just to be clear. I promise I am not still biting my mother when I get angry at 21 years of age). Thankfully my mother being the goddess that she is, helped to channel my anger in a more productive way. I am now, thankfully, not some of those crazy, angry idiots you can find on reality television. I am a functioning and contributing member of society.

Sadness on the other hand had not been an issue. Up until college I would cry maybe once or twice a year in the privacy of my room. Sadness was a mix of pent up frustration, stress, and I'll admit it self pity. I had no great tragedies in my life after the time that I had learned to process and understand death. I was blissfully unaware of true heart wrenching sadness.

Though at the end of high school I had my first big break up. It destroyed me. I had never before felt that almost animalistic need to just get out. Rip your heart out of your chest, get out of the house, to just flea; because leaving had to be the only way to stop the crushing pain. Well to leave or get him back.

Sadly this is not a love story, and he stayed gone for a long time. That moment made me stronger. I vowed I would never let another man take advantage of me and destroy me the way he had. At the time I thought that this was a brilliant idea, not realizing that I was putting a huge block on my emotional capabilities. Unfortunately that was not the last time I got dumped, all different in nature but still that same life destroying, crushing sadness. Each time vowing to myself that I would never let it happen again.

Men were not the only problem, school was something else that could plummet me down that dark rabbit hole, with no idea how to escape. I take school too seriously for my own health and well being, so getting a bad grade or even having a rough session has the possibility to send me into a nose dive of depressive tendencies.