Two years.. That's how long it has been since I said "Goodbye" to the only thing I had known for over three years. Two years.. That's how long it has taken me to make sense of my life. Two years.. That's how long it has taken me to sort through everything I just couldn't seem to sort through then. And I'm sorry for that. It's been two years of discovering, learning, and realizing things I just couldn't then.
You loved me more than I deserved, and I'll forever be grateful for that. You knew everything about me, even things I didn't completely know about myself. You knew when something was bothering me without me having to tell you. You knew what made me happy, sad, angry, and excited. You knew my favorite color, my favorite food, what I was doing at basically every moment of every day, you knew what my hopes and dreams were, you even knew all of my secrets. You were always there to comfort me in hard times and you were there to celebrate every accomplishment. You were my biggest fan. You knew me better than I knew myself, and that was the problem.
I will always have a place for you in my heart. After all, you are part of the reason I am who I am today. I loved you more than you will ever know, and that was also the problem. I fell in love with you before I ever had the opportunity to fall in love with myself. I know you thought I was perfect, but I didn't. We started dating before I had the chance to discover who I was as a person. You knew, but I didn't. I thought I knew who I was, who my friends were, and what I wanted to do with my life. I had the world figured out and you were going to be with me every step of the way. Boy, was I wrong.
I didn't like who I had become. I was a different person than who I was when I was a freshman in high school. I was about to enter the real world and have to be an adult, and I had no idea how challenging it honestly was. Everything just hit me one day and I didn't know what to do. I felt guilty. I felt like I was holding you back from so many opportunities and so many things, because I was confused and angry all the time. I felt like I was being selfish by keeping you stuck in this feeling with me. I felt like I was holding you back from so many things in life. I was mentally hurting. I thought long and hard about what I should do. Which led me to one of the worst days of my life.
Hurting you was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It was just as hard on me as it was on you. I promise. I regret the pain and heartache I caused. But, do I regret my decision? I don't think so. It allowed us to figure who we are and what we wanted out of life.
It has taken me two years to realize what exactly I want out of life and I'm confident that I will achieve my goals. It has taken me two years to realize exactly who I want to be and what I want to stand for in this world. I've gotten to experience life without someone holding my hand the whole way. I've done a lot of growing up and a lot of learning in these past two years. And I know you have too. I've watched you achieve so many things in your life, and I am so proud of you.
I think of you often and wonder how you are and how things are going. I hope everything in your life is exactly how you want them. The saying goes "If you set something free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If you set something free and it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be." Maybe we'll cross paths again one day, maybe not. Either way, thank you for never giving up on me throughout it all, thank you for being one of the most important influences in my life, and thank you for showing me what it's like to be truly loved and cherished.