"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." - Henry David Thoreau
This past week was a little rough for me, to say the least. It started Sunday night with the worst panic attack I've had in a long time, continuing with a migraine and more panic attacks Monday. I felt crazy; like I couldn't do anything right and the world was ending. It felt like there was a hole in my chest sucking in air, getting deeper with every painful breath. My heart pounded and my mind raced. I couldn't stop shaking. Feeling miserable and incompetent, I took the day off from class on Tuesday to focus on getting myself right again.
I've dealt with anxiety all of my life, before I even knew what it was. I always felt ashamed whenever it rendered me incapable of functioning. I thought I was just being lazy or unmotivated when I'd start hyperventilating just thinking about going to school or an event, but now I know that it's really a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes these periods of irrational panic.
Don't get me wrong, even though I know better now, I still feel crappy and beat myself up about it in the moment. I feel guilty for cancelling plans with shaking hands, wondering if my friends will finally give up on me this time. As busy as I am, it's just plain inconvenient to not be able to sleep at night because your thoughts are spinning 1,000 mph, making you feel like you can't breathe. What I've been trying to do, though, is tell myself that it's okay to not be okay.
When I get feelings of panic, it's my body's way of telling me to slow down and examine if everything that I think is vitally important is really necessary. It's still a work in progress, but I'm slowly but surely learning what's important. I also keep repeating this constant mantra in my head: "It's okay to not be okay. This is exactly where you're supposed to be and how you're supposed to be feeling right now."
I remind myself that emotions demand to be felt, and should be felt in the moment they occur. Even though I had no explanation for my panic attacks earlier in the week, I told myself that it was okay. It's okay to feel bad sometimes. It's okay to be sad or angry or lonely or overwhelmed. When we deny having these emotions and pretend everything's okay, they pile up until you explode.
We are humans, with a wide range of emotions more complex than any emoji can ever illustrate. If you wake up in the morning and don't feel 100%, don't beat yourself up over it. Know that you are allowed to feel emotions other than happy. Don't feel obligated to plaster a fake smile on your face. Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling just to vent. If they tell you, "You shouldn't be complaining, some people have it much worse," or something along those lines, promptly tell them where they can shove it and walk away. Sometimes you just need to vent so you don't lose your mind, and if they can't understand that then you don't need them in your life.
The next time you're feeling less than okay, take a breath. Do what you need to do to make yourself comfortable again, whether it's taking the day off or going for hike. You know what's best for you. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You ultimately learn and grow the most when you're not okay.
