“We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.” - Leslie Knope
Waffle House, to many, is precious. It is a stunning monument to perseverance, and a beacon of hope for many a college student struggling with funds or sobriety. Sometimes, the things that we love are what hurt us the most. I had the opportunity to sit down with a couple of brave survivors of the treacherous "Waffle House (commonly known as WaHo) Food Coma." Symptoms include waking up feeling nauseous (that is if you wake up at all), still tasting waffles for hours after your meal is done and feeling overall incredibly bloated and regretful of every single choice that was made in the last couple hours.
These men are survivors, and here are their stories. (dun dun)
What do you want your fake names to be?
Victim #1: I’m going to have to go with Brad, that’s kind of a cool name right? Sounds like I go to the gym a lot.
Victim #2: Charles, Charles is pretty classy.
Victim #3: Oh definitely, Chett, Chett with two “t’s," let’s get it as douchey as possible. (Sorry to everyone named Chett, out there.)
What did you order?
Brad: Dollar Hamburger and a Waffle.
Charles: Waffle, Triple Hashbrown with Ham and Onions.
Chett: Chocolate Chip Waffle….smeared with ungodly amounts of butter and syrup.
How did you feel immediately following the meal?
Brad: I felt fat and tired… Just Fat and Tired.
Charles: I don’t think I have ever felt as feeling as good as that. After shoveling the food in my mouth, I felt a warmth rising in my body from my toes to my nose. I was taken aback by how great the feeling was, little did I know this would last for only ten more minutes.
Chett: I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, like setting foot outside for the first time on a hot summer’s day. Also, I feel like I just spent $3.50 on food that’s sole purpose was to clog my arteries.
How was the walk back from the Restaurant?
Brad: It was so cold and miserable that I looked down at the ground, and every time I looked up it felt like I was no closer to home. The wind was cutting through my body, and honestly, I felt like death was walking with me.
Charles: The warmth I felt faded too quickly, and as I rounded the corner out of the Waffle House I was sprayed with an icy cold mist similar to that felt by the cast of “The Deadliest Catch” out on the arctic sea. My glasses were basically a windshield with no wipers, and I made my way back home like a blind man cast adrift in the ocean.
Chett: I felt like I was walking through the 9th circle of hell.
When did your food coma first hit?
Brad: Minutes after leaving the restaurant, I felt the cold hands of death, and my body was the most exhausted it had ever been.
Charles: We were almost back home when I lost feeling in my left leg. I told my friends to leave me, but they wouldn’t, [Brad later admitted that we would have definitely left Charles] I limped back and fell asleep for what felt like 72 hours.
Chett: In the middle of the walk back…my friends carried me on their backs. The night took a turn.
What is giving you the strength to pull through?
Brad: My desire to get back to a comfy, warm bed, with a bowl of popcorn and The Arrow on Netflix. Basically, my only desire was warmth at this point. I needed warmth.
Charles: The need to go to the bathroom. To paraphrase, Top Gun, I had a need….a need to pee.
Chett: The idea that I was going to one day do it again.
Did you have second thoughts about your meal at any point?
Brad: Absolutely not. I dove in, and I’m proud of it.
Charles: The only second thought that I ever had was “did I get enough?” At no point did I feel any regret during the meal.
Chett: I regret not getting the eggs. [Chett actually ordered eggs, and they were not given to him. He bared his sacrifice with strength and courage, his story of love then loss is an inspiration to us all.]
Is there anything you would like to say to your loved ones right now, as you struggle through this time?
Brad: I’d like to say if I don’t make it through, that I loved 7 out of the 8 of you. And I will remember you up there. [Here Brad points to the sky with what I believe was tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. We had to pause the interview, as Brad was overwhelmed with emotion.]
Charles: Do as I say, and not as I do. And I say, do not do as I do. Boom. [Charles had become slightly delusional, the triple hashbrowns had taken their toll.]
Chett: Don’t remember me like this.
How are you feeling now?
Brad: I’m feeling a little bit guilty, yet at the same time, spectacular.
Charles: I feel like I’m on top of the world.
Chett: Content and bloated. Very, very bloated.
Would you do it again? Was it worth it?
Brad: Regrettably yeah, I would do it again.
Charles: I’m actually walking back to Waffle House as we speak.
Chett: Absolutely.
Are you hungry?
Brad: I’m pretty full right now, no worries.
Charles: Not exactly. [He said this via text, as he ordered more food from Waffle House.]
Chett: No.
