Dear Future Sister-in-Law,
First and foremost, thank you for volunteering as tribute. Due to a low volume of applicants, I am pleased to individually inform you I’ve received your application for the position of sister-in-law and will be in contact with your references soon. Before we proceed to the interview portion, as a reminder please understand the longevity of the position is finite until impeachment. Your contribution is one that will not be forgotten by the Aglio family.
Over the next few months, you will comprehend physical, mental, and emotional fatigue from a series of assessments that will challenge your suitability for the position. Assessments include, but are not limited to the following: polygraph test, random drug test, family tree sketching, a 150 questionnaire about Joseph, knowledge of in-depth "Harry Potter" trivia, and intensive background check. Should you opt out of any mandatory examinations, disclose information about the interview process, or fail to endorse the respective waivers, your application will henceforth be forfeited. In preparation of these examinations, I strongly advise the following suggested knowledge pre-requisites: the 1997 film "Titanic," Joseph’s dietary needs and nutritional habits, quotations from an array of Disney films, the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots history, and a detailed selection of favored bourbon.
As the youngest sibling in the Aglio clan, my overriding approval is imperative to the success of your future endeavor. I’m certain you have many questions regarding my influential authority and I hope to alleviate some of your concerns by the end of this letter. As the potential sister-in-law, you would be the fourth most important woman in Joseph’s life and would be ranked fourth in priority to Joseph’s mother, eldest sister, and myself. Should you have any other concerns regarding this matter, please find the nearest recycling bin at your earliest convenience.
Upon completion of the interview process, you will be contacted within 7-10 business days if you've been selected for the position. I wish you the best of luck and would be honored to welcome you into this family one day provided you offer happiness, support, love, and loyalty to one of the most important people in my life. It would be a blessing to earn a second sister who will take care of my best friend and accept the responsibility as the new protector of his heart (aka he's your problem now, good luck!).
Warm Regards,
The overprotective, slightly psychotic sister who will break your face if you break his heart
