As a someone who formerly worked in a restaurant as a busser/server I always had a love-hate relationship with the position. I loved the establishment I worked in, the phenomenal bosses I worked for, and the great friends I made along the way that I got to work with. The hours might be long, but for me it became like a second home and my coworkers like a second family. It taught me to be quick on my feet, amazing memorization skills, and unparalleled customer service skills. While I will be able to take all of the things I learned in the restaurant business with me wherever I go, I along with I think many other servers would be able to fill a novel, in fact a series of novels of the horror stories and nightmares of customers we have dealt with. Unfortunately you can't just scream "Don't you understand I handle the food you eat?" at the top of your lungs. But we can condescendingly think quietly to ourselves, and here are what some of those thoughts might sound like during your average service.
1. "Welcome to ________! My name is _____ and I will be taking care of you this evening." Whether I want to or not, it really after all is just a coincidence that you happen to be sitting in my section.
2. *Awkward Silence* Well it is clear that none of that was heard, oh look you're all on your cell phones. If I did jumping jacks would that get your attention so I can take your drink order? No, okay. I'll go clear those apps of that table right there and be right back.
3. Thank you for pulling my sleeve as I walk by your table with my hands full of dishes, yes of course I can get you lemon?
4. What is everyone's obsession with lemon lately?
5. Back to the tech table. Ah the cell phones are down and you're upset because I have yet to take your drink orders. Yep, that's all my fault.
6. God I hope it is a slow shift.
7. Just kidding I need to make some money.
8. Thank you for raising your hand to signal you are ready to order. Oh you're not ready to order shocker. I knew you weren't. My favorite thing on the menu? The most expensive. Just please don't order something you aren't sure if you are going to like.
9. Oh please tell me more about how you are gluten free and proceeded to eat a dinner role.
10. Oh you want to switch tables? From a square table to a round table, really? I mean if it that big a deal, we'll work on accommodating you.
11. You do realize if you substitute everything in the dish it is no longer the same dish, right?
12. Seriously lady? More lemon? I'm about to cut you off.
13. Yes sir, I understand that you have been waiting for your food, but you literally ordered the dish that takes the longest and I told you that but I will check if that makes you feel better.
14. You know they say elbows off the table not because it looks nice but because it prevents you from knocking over that third glass of wine.
15. You don't like your dish, really I'm astonished after you said "I think I'll try it" that doesn't sound too convincing but now when I ask you what you want. Maybe pick something you know you'll like?
16. Listen here folks, I'm about to recite the desserts, yes it's a performance, please listen I don't want to have to repeat myself three times. No we don't have it written down. But at this point if you tell me what you're in the mood for I could probably bring out the perfect dessert.
17. Oh wow a whole $10 tip on a $90 check. You do realize servers make less than minimum wage, like a lot less, our livelihood relies on tips.
18. Yes your children are perfect, in your eyes, but you didn't just watch them dump a bottle of root beer out on our carpet while staring into my cold, dead eyes.
19. Oh I lied about what the dessert was like? I think I would know, seeing as I work here and serve it almost every night not to mention that was how I was told to describe it to customers.
20. Your bill is over $300, why are you complaining that a cappuccino is over $4?
21. Pardon me but that guy that gave me a dirty look just dumped his entire cup of coffee on the table because as he claims "It's too hot". This is my personal hell.
22. Ugh finally last reservation is in, this might actually be an early night, of course, I have time to take a picture for you.
23. Just kidding, walk in three minutes before we close.
24. No, you creepy old man you can not "wrap me up and take me home" I'm not your leftovers. Also when I ask if you want dessert, the correct response is not "Well you seem awfully sweet".
25. You see this huge tray on my shoulder, that means please don't push your chair in front of me, tap me on the shoulder, or stop to talk to another table. I'm just trying to get back to the kitchen. Also please do not try and hand me more plates or poorly stack anything else onto this tray.
While we see a lot of people that give us a hard time and tip poorly, the people that come in and are polite, take the time to build a relationship with their server, and are very thankful make the job worthwhile. We do get those negative comments, we know that we would never give someone poor service on purpose, and will go out of our way and above and beyond to perform and give customers the best service possible, even when we have to simultaneously give fifty other people the same phenomenal service. It is always exciting to hear someone say they had a great time, enjoyed their food and had amazing service. We learn how to adapt to all different types of personalities, unparalleled customer service skills, and of course when we become the customer, how to tip generously and hopefully prevent our server for thinking some of these thoughts.
